Who me?
Seething because midway to my music listening 'people' turned on the tv and the amplifier immediately shifted to relay the sound of whatever was playing on television instead of playing my song via Bluetooth.
I am angry.
Heads will roll tonight.
Thursday, 30 March 2023
Shrieks internally
Who me?
Seething because midway to my music listening 'people' turned on the tv and the amplifier immediately shifted to relay the sound of whatever was playing on television instead of playing my song via Bluetooth.
I am angry.
Heads will roll tonight.
Seething because midway to my music listening 'people' turned on the tv and the amplifier immediately shifted to relay the sound of whatever was playing on television instead of playing my song via Bluetooth.
I am angry.
Heads will roll tonight.
Wednesday, 29 March 2023
Monday, 27 March 2023
Thursday, 16 March 2023
Bleurgh
I have strep throat. 
Hurts to swallow or even think.
Low grade fever
Prescribed antibiotics.
After 4 years I finally fall sick.
It's not fun.
Also Pooja for the 13th right now.
Wednesday, 15 March 2023
Rollen
Morning and all I needed was two small puffs!! And I'm a better person already.
The mood here is sullen, people are sad and unhappy.
Of course they would be and I understand but feels strange to be here. I feel quite alien.
The mood here is sullen, people are sad and unhappy.
Of course they would be and I understand but feels strange to be here. I feel quite alien.
Gah
Back! To the grime and filth.
Where my feet always feel like they're stepping on a crust of grit every time I walk or even take a few steps barefoot!
Back to it all. My mood is sullen
It's exhausted
It's fed up
It's annoyed
It can't stand this strange condition of living!
Where my feet always feel like they're stepping on a crust of grit every time I walk or even take a few steps barefoot!
Back to it all. My mood is sullen
It's exhausted
It's fed up
It's annoyed
It can't stand this strange condition of living!
Tuesday, 14 March 2023
Sunday, 12 March 2023
Things I missed
Stopped by Bhopal en route to delhi and there was no one in the house save tofu and I near cried. 
Saturday, 11 March 2023
Gimme a break!!
Literally everyone in this house, from children to adults sleep in their house clothes !
The concept of dressing for the night simply doesn't exist. And why would it? when existing with cockroaches is so normalised then why would house clothes be a thing here? No one even folds their bed clothes or fixes their bedsheets!
This morning started with a disgruntled MIL who had the misfortune of cleaning up after her pet who upon feeling sick had barfed on the porch! Pretty normal for dogs or cats to throw up but she hates cleaning up after!!
This sent her spitballing her typical unrefined irritation directed at me!
She started by mumbling towards me about how I shouldn't be feeding the dog anymore dog food and how the cat who often comes here to be fed by me shouldn't be given any food either because (हम को यहाँ बिल्ली विल्ली नहीं चाहिए).
She kept mumbling while I held a packet of food for the cat who was meowing outside and went out to feed the little meow nevertheless!
She's been annoyed since and I couldn't give a flying fuck!
And mind you all this before I even had a sip of water or tea in the morning and was woken up by a meowing cat outside.
I'm glad for a short respite as I'm traveling to the capital tomorrow if even for a day and will be back by 14th. But gods I need to get out of this trash can of a house with people who have shit for brains!
I'm gonna hang out with my brother, get high, eat chips, eat some nice food, laugh for a change and be in a space I'm comfortable.
The concept of dressing for the night simply doesn't exist. And why would it? when existing with cockroaches is so normalised then why would house clothes be a thing here? No one even folds their bed clothes or fixes their bedsheets!
This morning started with a disgruntled MIL who had the misfortune of cleaning up after her pet who upon feeling sick had barfed on the porch! Pretty normal for dogs or cats to throw up but she hates cleaning up after!!
This sent her spitballing her typical unrefined irritation directed at me!
She started by mumbling towards me about how I shouldn't be feeding the dog anymore dog food and how the cat who often comes here to be fed by me shouldn't be given any food either because (हम को यहाँ बिल्ली विल्ली नहीं चाहिए).
She kept mumbling while I held a packet of food for the cat who was meowing outside and went out to feed the little meow nevertheless!
She's been annoyed since and I couldn't give a flying fuck!
And mind you all this before I even had a sip of water or tea in the morning and was woken up by a meowing cat outside.
I'm glad for a short respite as I'm traveling to the capital tomorrow if even for a day and will be back by 14th. But gods I need to get out of this trash can of a house with people who have shit for brains!
I'm gonna hang out with my brother, get high, eat chips, eat some nice food, laugh for a change and be in a space I'm comfortable.
Friday, 10 March 2023
Seppuku here I come
Feels like a labour camp here!
I'm working all day long. I'm sort of over it! these surroundings, this kitchen, the tools I have to use to work with, the mood, the level of hygiene and cleanliness, the utensils, the method of working, the approach towards doing anything and the overall understanding of how a domestic household should be run is so below average in fact so F- that it bothers me no end!
—
I flew into an internal rage and also had a word to say despite trying to hold myself back when the MIL used a small plate covering a bowl of subzi to dig into the said subzi and scoop it out on her plate!!! I couldn't believe my eyes at the sheer boorishness of this act. The lid which had bits of gravy stuck on one side was then placed back on top of the subzi bowl and she proceeded to take other stuff.
I felt outraged and even insulted on behalf of the bowl of subzi that definitely deserved more respect and should have been ladled out. Gah!!
I was like ewww mom!! Why didn't you use a spoon? But she totally ignored me.
Obviously. If I'd said anything more it would have definitely led to a small argument which I want to avoid!
But ugh!! Seriously! I'm angry.
Books and movies
As I watched 'lady chatterley's lover' yesterday, which is a movie quite well made I realised I'd all but forgotten about this book I'd read oh so long ago when I was going through a furiously aggressive D.H. Lawrence phase.
So I paused the movie and now I'm giving it a reread. After the reading I'll watch the rest of the movie.
So I paused the movie and now I'm giving it a reread. After the reading I'll watch the rest of the movie.
Morn notes
Morning and I slept most deliciously without a singular interruption. Woke up at 8! Drank a gallon of tea and now I'm pacing the room, trying to galvanise limbs getting my thoughts in order.
What is it going to be today?
Friday and I have to be in delhi for a day on 13th before returning back here for the last of the rites (13th) which is on 16th after which I am going to fuck off to my parents for a while and then to my brothers before finally returning to Shanghai to be with my babes.
Last night people ordered some outside food like chow mein and chilli paneer (gasps) which was just average and I ate a bit cuz I was so done with all that's cooked at home by others.
There are a lot of MIL's sisters here and they've taken to cooking and the food they cook is quite good but it's far too basic and everyday for my liking to eat all the time.
Moreover I don't eat the usual fair of roti, subzi, dal, chapati for every meal and so doing the same here does my mood no favours.
What I really want is mutton curry!
But all my wants and wishes will only happen when I'm out of here.
What is it going to be today?
Friday and I have to be in delhi for a day on 13th before returning back here for the last of the rites (13th) which is on 16th after which I am going to fuck off to my parents for a while and then to my brothers before finally returning to Shanghai to be with my babes.
Last night people ordered some outside food like chow mein and chilli paneer (gasps) which was just average and I ate a bit cuz I was so done with all that's cooked at home by others.
There are a lot of MIL's sisters here and they've taken to cooking and the food they cook is quite good but it's far too basic and everyday for my liking to eat all the time.
Moreover I don't eat the usual fair of roti, subzi, dal, chapati for every meal and so doing the same here does my mood no favours.
What I really want is mutton curry!
But all my wants and wishes will only happen when I'm out of here.
Thursday, 9 March 2023
Eye cry
There's a brinjal overkill overdrive in this house! That's probably all that gets made with different permutations along with some daal and I end up not eating any cuz allergies and I don't mind either cuz I'm so done with this food all day everyday!
I want to eat a nice potato salad or a bowl of fettuccine or even a fat sandwich or pizza.
I miss my salads.
I miss my salmon.
I miss my pecorino romano.
I want to eat a nice potato salad or a bowl of fettuccine or even a fat sandwich or pizza.
I miss my salads.
I miss my salmon.
I miss my pecorino romano.
So much more more more more
Morning and I am exhausted!
Didn't sleep much last night not least because all the @%#*<@ rituals got done with around 1:30 in the AM. After that I was required to clean the stove top and throw away or rather feed the cows, the dogs and other wildlife as it says the leftover food from yesterday and after that finally I was required to fry some sweet dough balls to mark the ending of something and the beginning of another thing.
I don't know what anything was about as I'd switched to the automatic mode and mechanically went about doing all that was asked.
Finally when I hit the bed around 2:15 in the morning the sleep I'd been feeling since 10:30 was all but gone.
I kept shifting positions in bed, trying to find sleep as my entire body craved some rest but couldn't find any.
It was too late to pop in a sleeping pill and when I found myself swaying with sleep I was woken up because the mosquitoes in the room had made their presence felt.
After 3:30 it was pretty much me against the mosquitoes.
I had switched on the lights and tried looking for the bastards that kept singing their song every time I wanted to shut my eyes.
This went on till about 6 in the morning and after that I finally slept for a couple hours and found myself in the kitchen making tea at 8:30.
My entire body is screaming for rest.
That's the only one thing I want which is to get a long uninterrupted sleep after my entire day of shenanigans.
That's my new mantra and my coping mechanism and the main reason behind my staying energised and inability to fatigue through the day.
I need at least 7-8 hours of sleep and if I don't get it my body simply doesn't recover from the long exhausting days I bind myself to.
I am currently looking like a roadkill wrapped in floral cotton clothes.
I hate it.
I just want this to end.
I don't want anymore rites and rituals and I can't take living with people I barely know and am not ingrained to understand.
I am so out of my comfort zone I almost want to cry.
Didn't sleep much last night not least because all the @%#*<@ rituals got done with around 1:30 in the AM. After that I was required to clean the stove top and throw away or rather feed the cows, the dogs and other wildlife as it says the leftover food from yesterday and after that finally I was required to fry some sweet dough balls to mark the ending of something and the beginning of another thing.
I don't know what anything was about as I'd switched to the automatic mode and mechanically went about doing all that was asked.
Finally when I hit the bed around 2:15 in the morning the sleep I'd been feeling since 10:30 was all but gone.
I kept shifting positions in bed, trying to find sleep as my entire body craved some rest but couldn't find any.
It was too late to pop in a sleeping pill and when I found myself swaying with sleep I was woken up because the mosquitoes in the room had made their presence felt.
After 3:30 it was pretty much me against the mosquitoes.
I had switched on the lights and tried looking for the bastards that kept singing their song every time I wanted to shut my eyes.
This went on till about 6 in the morning and after that I finally slept for a couple hours and found myself in the kitchen making tea at 8:30.
My entire body is screaming for rest.
That's the only one thing I want which is to get a long uninterrupted sleep after my entire day of shenanigans.
That's my new mantra and my coping mechanism and the main reason behind my staying energised and inability to fatigue through the day.
I need at least 7-8 hours of sleep and if I don't get it my body simply doesn't recover from the long exhausting days I bind myself to.
I am currently looking like a roadkill wrapped in floral cotton clothes.
I hate it.
I just want this to end.
I don't want anymore rites and rituals and I can't take living with people I barely know and am not ingrained to understand.
I am so out of my comfort zone I almost want to cry.
Wednesday, 8 March 2023
Never ending
Afternoon finally and I am sitting down after many many hours of cleaning the house.
Got woken up at 6 AM today to make tea because once the Pooja starts in Allahabad (अस्थि विसर्जन) one can't cook anything at home.
As the woman of the house I was required to do a cleaning ritual which includes cleaning of the house and throwing away all the items used for cleaning once done.
My SIL and I got down to business, and she tackled cobwebs while I tackled dusting and cleaning the floors since the cleaning of the floors is specifically required to be done by me.
After all this the porch had to be cleaned which took a good long hour and got done by the two of us and after all this I was required to take a bath and put flowers on the deceased's photo and do a ritualistic cleaning of grains that will be cooked this evening.
Phew!
Can't make tea which I'm craving and so I'm drinking some instant coffee dissolved in hot water.
I'm so done!
Got woken up at 6 AM today to make tea because once the Pooja starts in Allahabad (अस्थि विसर्जन) one can't cook anything at home.
As the woman of the house I was required to do a cleaning ritual which includes cleaning of the house and throwing away all the items used for cleaning once done.
My SIL and I got down to business, and she tackled cobwebs while I tackled dusting and cleaning the floors since the cleaning of the floors is specifically required to be done by me.
After all this the porch had to be cleaned which took a good long hour and got done by the two of us and after all this I was required to take a bath and put flowers on the deceased's photo and do a ritualistic cleaning of grains that will be cooked this evening.
Phew!
Can't make tea which I'm craving and so I'm drinking some instant coffee dissolved in hot water.
I'm so done!
Tuesday, 7 March 2023
All this new new
Okay so here goes!
Looks like all the post cremation ritual rules keep varying from people to people.
So what I'm doing correctly for one is abhorrent and wrong for another and by now I've already made so many mistakes that a lot of tasks that were laid out solely for me have been taken upon by MIL and her sisters because clearly I'm unable to understand and what needs to be done.
Honestly I'm glad for that.
Like who knew I can't make daal for people (the bereaved son), since their every meal has to prepared by me and nothing has to be anything but boiled. But I can't make daal! It's against the rules of the rite.
But someone told me I should only make daal.
Then I can't use a rolling pin to make roti's which is something I was doing every day. I'm instead supposed to use the palms of my hand to widen the dough to make fat roti which isn't something I know how to do.
I still did it and the outcome was very below average.
All this combined with my cooking daal sent others in a bit of a tizzy and the MIL took it upon herself to feed her poor son.
Alright! Good for me I say.
I am supposed to sweep and clean the area where FIL was laid and his last rites were performed in the house before being taken to cremation ground, after which I am supposed to bathe and plant flowers near his photo and light incense.
Okay! I didn't know I'm supposed to bathe for all this and I would sweep and mop the area and get fresh flowers and put them near his photo and light incense and all that came abruptly to a halt when someone noticed I haven't bathed.
I didn't know one has to compulsively bathe before doing any of this and of course this became bit of an issue as well and I have thus understood that I'm making nothing but mistakes.
Phew!
I'm trying but a lot of this is nonsense and has nothing to do with the spiritual aspect of anything. It's mostly 'कर्म कांड' which seems to be the backbone of our religion instead of the feelings and thought behind it which is what spirituality is about. It's all about the physical representation and doing the right thing instead of feeling what needs to be felt.
I'm just waiting for all this to get done so I can fuck off from here.
Looks like all the post cremation ritual rules keep varying from people to people.
So what I'm doing correctly for one is abhorrent and wrong for another and by now I've already made so many mistakes that a lot of tasks that were laid out solely for me have been taken upon by MIL and her sisters because clearly I'm unable to understand and what needs to be done.
Honestly I'm glad for that.
Like who knew I can't make daal for people (the bereaved son), since their every meal has to prepared by me and nothing has to be anything but boiled. But I can't make daal! It's against the rules of the rite.
But someone told me I should only make daal.
Then I can't use a rolling pin to make roti's which is something I was doing every day. I'm instead supposed to use the palms of my hand to widen the dough to make fat roti which isn't something I know how to do.
I still did it and the outcome was very below average.
All this combined with my cooking daal sent others in a bit of a tizzy and the MIL took it upon herself to feed her poor son.
Alright! Good for me I say.
I am supposed to sweep and clean the area where FIL was laid and his last rites were performed in the house before being taken to cremation ground, after which I am supposed to bathe and plant flowers near his photo and light incense.
Okay! I didn't know I'm supposed to bathe for all this and I would sweep and mop the area and get fresh flowers and put them near his photo and light incense and all that came abruptly to a halt when someone noticed I haven't bathed.
I didn't know one has to compulsively bathe before doing any of this and of course this became bit of an issue as well and I have thus understood that I'm making nothing but mistakes.
Phew!
I'm trying but a lot of this is nonsense and has nothing to do with the spiritual aspect of anything. It's mostly 'कर्म कांड' which seems to be the backbone of our religion instead of the feelings and thought behind it which is what spirituality is about. It's all about the physical representation and doing the right thing instead of feeling what needs to be felt.
I'm just waiting for all this to get done so I can fuck off from here.
Hisses
Looks like it might rain.
There's a strong mood for it. The winds are a storm and the weather has cooled.
Also no electricity and my room has no connection to inverter either.
I sit in utter darkness.
under the faint glow of my phone
There's a strong mood for it. The winds are a storm and the weather has cooled.
Also no electricity and my room has no connection to inverter either.
I sit in utter darkness.
under the faint glow of my phone
Monday, 6 March 2023
Arghh
Everything is so depressing.
There is a Pooja going on for over 3 hours now and I can't keep sitting anymore. My eyes are loosening out of their sockets out of the boredom and sheer stupidity the pundit is spouting and I can't hear it any longer.
My eyes are shutting down and there's only so much I can do to stay awake.
There is a Pooja going on for over 3 hours now and I can't keep sitting anymore. My eyes are loosening out of their sockets out of the boredom and sheer stupidity the pundit is spouting and I can't hear it any longer.
My eyes are shutting down and there's only so much I can do to stay awake.
Are we there yet?!
Every morning I fly into a rage because the denizens of this house which are currently a lot of MIL's sisters wake up early (around 4AM) and make tea and don't bother to wash the pots they make tea in, which results in no clean utensils for making tea when I wake up!
This is such a stupidly small and ridiculous issue but a problem nonetheless, and every morning I fish out the extremely nasty utensils that have tea and milk and ginger residue stuck to their sides and wash it before finally making tea.
I mean is there absolutely no common sense and no understanding of the fact that someone else after them might need these utensils?
Also there are only two good tea making pots and the rest are either without A handle or meant for induction (there's no induction plate in this house).
And this is a common phenomenon happening all the damn time.
Towards the evening as well after the housekeeper has washed the utensils the denizens use them up in succession and if someone else has to make tea, well, then wash it up!
I am such a mood each morning I shit you not! I can't stand it!
Also I've had to shift rooms because SIL's kid who's on the spectrum has to use the room they were previously living in last time when they visited and he created such a ruckus that I immediately volunteered to leave the room and shift into another one which has a smaller bed and cannot be shared by anyone else.
I spent yesterday cleaning the room and it's a much better place to be in, not least because it has a glorious bedside table and night lamp and an entirely separate exit and entry cut off from the house.
I'm so done here!
I want to leave. I'm screaming inside all the time. I just want to fuck off from this hellhole.
This is such a stupidly small and ridiculous issue but a problem nonetheless, and every morning I fish out the extremely nasty utensils that have tea and milk and ginger residue stuck to their sides and wash it before finally making tea.
I mean is there absolutely no common sense and no understanding of the fact that someone else after them might need these utensils?
Also there are only two good tea making pots and the rest are either without A handle or meant for induction (there's no induction plate in this house).
And this is a common phenomenon happening all the damn time.
Towards the evening as well after the housekeeper has washed the utensils the denizens use them up in succession and if someone else has to make tea, well, then wash it up!
I am such a mood each morning I shit you not! I can't stand it!
Also I've had to shift rooms because SIL's kid who's on the spectrum has to use the room they were previously living in last time when they visited and he created such a ruckus that I immediately volunteered to leave the room and shift into another one which has a smaller bed and cannot be shared by anyone else.
I spent yesterday cleaning the room and it's a much better place to be in, not least because it has a glorious bedside table and night lamp and an entirely separate exit and entry cut off from the house.
I'm so done here!
I want to leave. I'm screaming inside all the time. I just want to fuck off from this hellhole.
Sunday, 5 March 2023
Saturday, 4 March 2023
—-/—
I had never ever seen nor witnessed nor been a part of any of these rituals which I had to perform today and still have to once some people return from the cremation ground.
Unwashed as is required and cleaning house and even putting 'gobar' in places.
I don't question, I don't hesitate, I just do what the pandits tell me to do and what the people of the house require of me.
Throwing water out of the house entrance, putting neem leaves, applying colour to the deceased's forehead and face!
I mean I don't know how to process it at all.
I did have an anti anxiety medicine though!
Unwashed as is required and cleaning house and even putting 'gobar' in places.
I don't question, I don't hesitate, I just do what the pandits tell me to do and what the people of the house require of me.
Throwing water out of the house entrance, putting neem leaves, applying colour to the deceased's forehead and face!
I mean I don't know how to process it at all.
I did have an anti anxiety medicine though!
All the things today
Morning and things are emotional in another tide as more people have poured in and finally today is the last farewell or the return back to earth as it should have happened a day ago.
People are distant as usual and devastated and as much as I understand and wish for things to be better I'm also exhausted being that support who will take every jolt that comes from this incident since I've been taking it for over a year now and I'm worn down.
I've let things be and not extending much from myself except the occasional ear and a bit of tender attention which is usually swatted away despite being needed.
I feel like an outsider in this entire mess.
Strangely enough I've not shed a single tear not hugged and held anyone to cry.
I think I've cried and depressed and killed myself about it for more than a year now and now I just want to be resilient and provide back end support around the house. Which is what I'm doing which is physically draining but at least my mind is now at peace.
Only problem is that I've once again lost me sleep.
I can't find it despite being so exhausted.
People are distant as usual and devastated and as much as I understand and wish for things to be better I'm also exhausted being that support who will take every jolt that comes from this incident since I've been taking it for over a year now and I'm worn down.
I've let things be and not extending much from myself except the occasional ear and a bit of tender attention which is usually swatted away despite being needed.
I feel like an outsider in this entire mess.
Strangely enough I've not shed a single tear not hugged and held anyone to cry.
I think I've cried and depressed and killed myself about it for more than a year now and now I just want to be resilient and provide back end support around the house. Which is what I'm doing which is physically draining but at least my mind is now at peace.
Only problem is that I've once again lost me sleep.
I can't find it despite being so exhausted.
Get me out of here
The house is buzzing with people!
I hate that there are so many fucking people!
I hate this commotion.
I also hate that not all rooms are opened since not all of them have been arranged comfortably enough for everyone to sleep in.
Now everyone is 'adjusting' and I don't want to adjust! I have terraformed my room.
I'm so done now.
I want to sleep.
Exhausted!
Lack of sleep is doing it to me.
I hate there are people sitting and talking outside my room right now.
Tomorrow the cremation will finally happen.
Finally being the keyword because how weird it is to have a body bang in the middle of the living room second night in a row! Have you ever heard of such a thing??????!!!!!!!??????
Every activity is happening around it.
People are eating near it talking and laughing and crying while a body cools inside a freezer and I can't fathom nor comprehend this whatsoever.
I just want to sleep now.
I hate everyone.
The only silver lining was that my parents were here for the last couple days.
I'm so out of my comfort zone right now.
I hate that there are so many fucking people!
I hate this commotion.
I also hate that not all rooms are opened since not all of them have been arranged comfortably enough for everyone to sleep in.
Now everyone is 'adjusting' and I don't want to adjust! I have terraformed my room.
I'm so done now.
I want to sleep.
Exhausted!
Lack of sleep is doing it to me.
I hate there are people sitting and talking outside my room right now.
Tomorrow the cremation will finally happen.
Finally being the keyword because how weird it is to have a body bang in the middle of the living room second night in a row! Have you ever heard of such a thing??????!!!!!!!??????
Every activity is happening around it.
People are eating near it talking and laughing and crying while a body cools inside a freezer and I can't fathom nor comprehend this whatsoever.
I just want to sleep now.
I hate everyone.
The only silver lining was that my parents were here for the last couple days.
I'm so out of my comfort zone right now.
Friday, 3 March 2023
Angry rant
Barely slept!
I wasn't allowed to make tea today because apparently today the women of the house aren't allowed to make food or cook anything or light up kitchen stoves!
I don't know what the fuck is this supposed to mean and never have I even seen these idiotic rituals!
In what world is it okay to keep a person's dead body in the house in an ice casket for over 48 hours just so someone else can see them one last time but lighting stoves isn't okay?!
Is there no concept of Hindu 'मुक्ति'?
That persons body has to be made one with the earth. It has to be returned back and her here we are freezing it for days on end so it can be viewed tearfully!
I'm so angry.
up until his last breath and even after his death this person has suffered.
Goddamn it!
I don't want to be around such idiots.
I wasn't allowed to make tea today because apparently today the women of the house aren't allowed to make food or cook anything or light up kitchen stoves!
I don't know what the fuck is this supposed to mean and never have I even seen these idiotic rituals!
In what world is it okay to keep a person's dead body in the house in an ice casket for over 48 hours just so someone else can see them one last time but lighting stoves isn't okay?!
Is there no concept of Hindu 'मुक्ति'?
That persons body has to be made one with the earth. It has to be returned back and her here we are freezing it for days on end so it can be viewed tearfully!
I'm so angry.
up until his last breath and even after his death this person has suffered.
Goddamn it!
I don't want to be around such idiots.
:/
I was almost going to sleep and now I'm awake.
Never thought I'd ever spray Colin on the surface of a cold case for dead bodies and clean it and prepare it for a body!
I think I need a lorazepam.
Never thought I'd ever spray Colin on the surface of a cold case for dead bodies and clean it and prepare it for a body!
I think I need a lorazepam.
If you’re coughing from cold
If you're coughing and feeling miserable please rub some Vicks Vaporub under your feet just before sleeping. In bed.
The menthol camphor and eucalyptus in this stimulate nerves and these nerves reach all the way up the spine until they reach medulla oblongata and this is one if those key features that actually controls coughing and it can inhibit the coughing reflex!
Please try!
The menthol camphor and eucalyptus in this stimulate nerves and these nerves reach all the way up the spine until they reach medulla oblongata and this is one if those key features that actually controls coughing and it can inhibit the coughing reflex!
Please try!
Thursday, 2 March 2023
/:/
There is a large machine in the house which I didn't understand what it was meant for!
It's to keep the body cold.
I feel frayed.
I feel like this isn't real. None of this is happening.
This is all too real in fact. Just too damn real. I can't wrap my head around it .
I don't understand this.
Why is a body being kept to stay alive even though it's given up?
How selfish are we to keep a body running artificially via ventilator just so someone who's not here can come to see that person one last time.
The soul is trapped inside a body that won't live and we're adamant to keep it!
I hate this lunacy.
Free the spirit. Let it be reborn or rest or whatever it is that it wants to do .
I'm unable to comprehend this.
It's to keep the body cold.
I feel frayed.
I feel like this isn't real. None of this is happening.
This is all too real in fact. Just too damn real. I can't wrap my head around it .
I don't understand this.
Why is a body being kept to stay alive even though it's given up?
How selfish are we to keep a body running artificially via ventilator just so someone who's not here can come to see that person one last time.
The soul is trapped inside a body that won't live and we're adamant to keep it!
I hate this lunacy.
Free the spirit. Let it be reborn or rest or whatever it is that it wants to do .
I'm unable to comprehend this.
Unsteady
Morning and things went south last night.
In short the invalid is no longer so.
It's all fleeting now as his life is now attached to a machine and it won't stay that way too long either.
I don't know how to manage my mood and I don't know how the woman of the house is not only calm but also talking about strange things like preserving the body until her daughter reaches.
I've been feeling awful and utterly lost and I don't know how to process this.
People have zoned out pretty much and have been constantly looking at something distant and unable to talk.
Ugh.
In short the invalid is no longer so.
It's all fleeting now as his life is now attached to a machine and it won't stay that way too long either.
I don't know how to manage my mood and I don't know how the woman of the house is not only calm but also talking about strange things like preserving the body until her daughter reaches.
I've been feeling awful and utterly lost and I don't know how to process this.
People have zoned out pretty much and have been constantly looking at something distant and unable to talk.
Ugh.
Wednesday, 1 March 2023
Whodathunkit
I have been awake since forever and it's only 10:19??
I don't like this.
How on earth am I to pass the rest of my day?
And I have no stuff on me!
Can you believe it?
Passing everyday sober??
Yuck!
I don't like this.
How on earth am I to pass the rest of my day?
And I have no stuff on me!
Can you believe it?
Passing everyday sober??
Yuck!
On a mission
This house is roach central and what am I if not Van Helsing for cockroaches!!
I have exhausted an entire tube of cockroach killer paste and I'm on a mission to buy another tube and get rid of these little shits!!
It's amazing how the denizens of this house have not only made peace but also adapted to live around the million roaches that happily infest this household.
Last time around May I had some a similar routine and the roaches had all but disappeared for a couple months but of course these practices need to be done repeatedly if the house is adamant on being this filthy and the unhygienic nature of this house has to be seen to be believed!
So of course the roaches feel at home but not anymore, not while I'm around!
I'm gonna kill kill kill.
I have exhausted an entire tube of cockroach killer paste and I'm on a mission to buy another tube and get rid of these little shits!!
It's amazing how the denizens of this house have not only made peace but also adapted to live around the million roaches that happily infest this household.
Last time around May I had some a similar routine and the roaches had all but disappeared for a couple months but of course these practices need to be done repeatedly if the house is adamant on being this filthy and the unhygienic nature of this house has to be seen to be believed!
So of course the roaches feel at home but not anymore, not while I'm around!
I'm gonna kill kill kill.
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