Ca phe and how

It amazes me how extremely large and important coffee shops are in Vietnam.
This is along a highway around a small village and it is huge and Vietnamese coffee is unlike any I've tasted before .
It has a dark bitterness to it but it's not as strong on acid levels because my stomach would have complained of it by now.
The local black coffee can be served either with or without sweetened condensed milk and almost always has an option for either iced or hot and I cannot believe how much I didn't like it the first time but now I absolutely love it.

Cook food and feed me please.

For seafood.
I don't speak the language and so I just point out the various sea creatures living inside small buckets and ask them to make it in their local style.
Up until now this idea has worked.
Hopefully I won't be regretting it anytime soon.

Sun and sand

Fresh out of the sea to get some sun and then back in again after a burn

On Witcher

Witcher is one of those series that you watch even though you know it's not all that good but it has a certain appeal to it that makes it want to be watched only because you want to know what's next.
Henry Cavill has the acting range of a broken doorknob and his character had it been replaced by a buff puppet would have made little difference.
The story is full of so many loopholes that it makes me question the integrity of the makers.
At one point Yeneffer portals herself with the ease of melting butter on a hot skillet but in the other she seems helpless in spots where there's no other way to go. Like that time they were walking on a thin ledge around the mountain towards the dragon and that time when the mage club took a boat to go someplace. What the hell?
Just portal yourself guys.
Also, the ever self victimising and complaining character of Yeneffer is quite annoying and the only other character I found myself getting invested in was the bard.

But it's fun and the fights are good but then we've seen better, much better and Witcher is just a series that has been made very okay so you gotta take that with a pinch of salt.

Waves and words

Back to the sea front and my room has a couple books and this is the only one I found in English.
So then, why not I say.

Ca phe

Vietnamese black coffee.

Foto

A very drunk local villager wanted a picture and of course I obliged.

:/

My body, a canvas for sunburns.
Can't say I'm happy about this art form.

It’s all so lovely

Who me?
Sitting at a very rural side tiny eating area because that is how I know what their food really tastes like.
That they put ice in beer is what makes me love this country even more.

Some change

Did I honestly wake up before the sun could even rise?

Almost night

All these lights

Up up and away

Ready in

Matching is for the weak.

Drained and done

What is pleasure if not a biting hot shower after an extremely long, perilous and tiring day of being out and about, bearing the wear and tear of a city that needed to be seen and how it morphed from just another town during the day to a party doll in evening and how the many hours of walking and biking around town felt like nothing, but as the day wore so did my body and it's an hour before midnight when I slowly crawled into the room and made straight for a languorously delicious hot hot hot shower and can I just say it almost felt better than sex.
I mean the kind I'm used to.

A bit of it

And a moment of repose at a coffee shop where I quickly fill in my journal and wait for some gadgets to charge.
Basically the phones which have now run out of juice after hours of navigation around the city.

The local Vietnamese coffee which is usually drunk sweet and with some condensed milk is a special sort of something .
It's bitter and yet not strong in a way that makes you want to wretch.
It's low on acidity as I figure.
Must be something.

There are also lots of squirrel and weasel poop coffee and though I've bought some packets I don't think I'll be drinking any animal's poop anytime soon.

Millionaire

And now

Just surfacing

'Some days of silence resort and spa', literally the name of this place where I'm staying in Nha Trang.
Meant for those who want to try out the hippy life but are afraid of tetanus and so the very same has been provided in comforts and luxury of a resort and the 'cottage' I'd booked is so extremely sea facing that the waves are almost hitting my face.
Here's hoping there's no tsunami cuz I'm hardly 20 metres away from the crushing waves.
But tranquil, oh so tranquil.
I won't be needing any relaxing wave sounds tonight because it's plenty noisy already and I don't mean it badly because I'd probably recommend this place to absolutely everyone who travels here.
Maybe I need the silence to marshal my thoughts but to tell you the truth I've been thinking about my little one back home, alone and meowing.
I have a couple friends looking over her every few hours, feeding and what not but even so.
I'm a bit sad about that but then I keep getting sent messages that I shouldn't worry and so I'm trying not to and keeping with the tranquil moods of this place perhaps I will try some meditation. (Not really though)

here we go

Home and I want to get publishing with a new blog for I jettison tomorrow morning.

The chiropractor didn't have much to say or do after seeing the MRI.
I can exercise normally he said. I can also lift weights and mostly swim with my head looking upwards which is basically floating, and  I have to be mindful of my neck and keep it in a neutral position, moreover, I shouldn't work bending my head down for more than 40 minutes, after which I need to spend at least ten minutes looking at the ceiling thinking of things.

There isn't anything serious but I have to be careful and definitely spend a lot of time resting my spine and staring at the ceiling.
That's about it. If everything goes well then I won't need any therapy or anything at all.
Ah well.

Alright then.

What about the migraine that has me in its vile clutches that makes me want to club every smiling face and keeps me from feeling motivated then?
Perhaps some mild coffee is in order.
I read somewhere that coffee helps in alleviating migraine headaches, but the way I get mine especially today seeing how my incoming cold is working as a catalyst only medicine can help, but we can be hopeful.

Alright then.
Back to work.

More more more

Scrolling to the ends of the universe and trying to refresh my feed again because clearly I haven't seen enough.

Creak crack

Who me?
Sitting at the hospital and waiting for chiropractor to talk to me about my neck and give some exercises.
If it all had to boil down to a chiropractor then why the whole MRI business?
Well of course because they had to know what was exactly wrong, but I'll tell you one thing and that is an MRI wasn't needed at all for this.
All that a doctor had to do was inspect my neck, tell me of the vertebral herniation and refer me to a physiotherapist or whatever.
I definitely didn't need that scarring moment of entering a claustrophobic machine and feel all sorts of bad things.

Too late now.
It's done and done.
I sit here trying to not look angry and by the heaven this is the last time, the very last time I come to a hospital.
I've had it.

<>

My denims blue
My coat grey
My mood sullen

Equals

The searing sensation of well meaning ginger rummaging through an itchy throat via the conduit of spiced tea to alleviate any and all symptoms of dry sandpaper like scratchings that one experiences during moments of seasonal cold is as manna that a body feels after tremendous fulfilment that comes after a satiating shuddering contraction which spills every nerve ending with overwhelming euphoria after never ending days of dry spells.

Dull days

Today wallows in a perilously enchanting hue of post apocalyptic doom. Haunted with its own tribulations it darkens unto a grey murk of empty state.
Leaves falling off of their mothership trees like flakes of rust to dot the streets.
A brown carpet of frigid rapture with no soul willing to cross over in a rebellion to the lights. As a way of confirming the tastefulness of the bubbling abyss which rides in a chariot of wet clouds, darker than pewter skies, chalky in their outward aura.
Keeping with the monochromatic fashion sun peeks out adorned in silvery starkness of a moon.

Today shall be beautiful.

muzak in feelings

Dear Gods!
Are you killing me with these vocals and the sound?
Just what I need when my thoughts are not in alignment with my feelings.
For when I want to lament and jump on a trampoline at the same time because there are moments when you want to rush headlong into a wall and hope that just before your head turns into a bloody pulp, the wall turns into a thick cloud of cream because all you really wanted was ice cream in the first place.

Reds

Oh yes! 

Spiced flavoured broth. 

Come heal me. 

Moods and jazz

Morning and I wake up feeling like I'm buried under a ton of wretched resentment and misery, not least because the cold is still trying to jump across the thin barriers my hard working white blood cells have set up and I fully intend to assist them by drinking turmeric tea and liquorice water.
You shall not pass.
I have travel plans the day after and by the heavens I'm not going feeling sick through it.

A mug full of ginger, black pepper and cinnamon tea later my body in cahoots with my brains trawl through the fridge, making an inventory of all the things I'd like to eat and I realize how much I'm craving hot broths and soups.
I need spiced hot liquids searing through my throat and smacking any bacteria in question right out of my body!

Tom Yum soup it will be and I'm going to make my own which will be something of a not so authentic version but it's my version and I want some noodles in it. Rice noodles to be precise because I don't feel like eating salads right now .

And I've decided that dinner will be a soup as well.
Also, there's a goodly amount of leftover bread dough remaining from all the breads I've made and so I think I'll make some savoury things. Maybe a flatbread or dinner rolls .

Strange that I'm talking about food the first thing this morning but it's that kind of day I guess .

What I need right now is a long shower, a very long hot shower and some pampering.
Maybe I should dunk myself in the bathtub.
I think a bathtub is what I need!!
Absolutely and I shall watch the remaining episodes of Witcher while doing so.

Because I'm such a mood right now.

_\_

Nighttime and there are sleep debts that need to be paid, except I'm all out of any currency to pay which with.

No slacking

Today wasn't just long it was exhausting and Ihave fairy lights lit all around the house .
Tomorrow is a big day but it's not a festival here in China.
All schools and offices are open and it's funny to think of it because I know back home it's holiday season. The winter holidays to be more precise.
It's festive here for reasons entirely different because of how Christmas has a global appeal but that's where it ends because everything else goes on without a breather.
There are no religion based holidays here, and for that I am somewhat glad.
Funny how different parts of the globe work.

Some tings

Is it funny how much I absolutely love, hot nay, boiling water this season.
Just sipping it slowly feeling the burn sear my throat feels painful and healing and this is some way to keep away my incoming cold from obliterating my moody vibes.
I'd read somewhere the drinking extremely hot water raises the temperature of your body, effectively killing the virus which often needs antibiotics. But that's when there's a viral infection which is fever with sore throat and what my body is fighting against is a bacterial infection which results in common cough and cold and there's no remedy for bacterial issues.

Onwards with hot water and last bit of bread baking.

Lunched

This is it! 

In all its glory. 

My absolute fattening sandwich for when it's Tuesday. 

So now

Now making some steak in red wine reduction to make into a sandwich with caramelised onions and roasted tomatoes because it is that kind of day when I want to pleasure myself and die from all the work in the process .

Chocolate in time

These are my Nutella flower breads that are two down and two more to go but before that a shower and some lunch is in order and then these shall bake while I get on making the other two. 

Tuesday things .

Tuesday and I have woken up later than usual because I was urged to go back to sleep instead of waking for the daily morning chores.
There's a sudden change in demeanour and this could be as a result of the guilt that people are still feeling after Friday's argument that blew up in the face quite literally and now amends are being made and I can't say that I don't enjoy this moment of smugness I feel.

Tuesday and there's work lined up for me.
I have some Christmas baking to do and there are lots of breads to be made to be given away as gifts and am I glad that I made all the dough I'd need yesterday and it sits in the fridge right now.
I will be updating regarding this through pictures as soon as I get on it.

—

Why do some people who are under the weather, suffering from cold and cough go around spreading infections?
I say this because even I, someone with a sound immune system that I keep rebooting with lots of fermented foods and what not am susceptible to a 'friend' sneezing and sniffling in the vicinity, and by vicinity I mean a kiss on the cheek.

Here I am sneezing and trying to guess why I feel so wretched but just letting my mind wander made me suddenly remember that my dear friend who had come over to seem yesterday was sneezing like an engine and I'd asked her if she was okay, to which she'd nodded and said, just some cold.
Well thank you because you have passed on that cold!!
But all is not lost.
I have faith in my body's healing system and I am absolutely hopeful that it will not get to the point of full blown cold.

Kisses

A tiny room
an electric kettle
two teabags
a large bed
curtain on the window
a humming air conditioner cooling off our bodies
that lay sprawled wet and wet
embraced when spent
shuddering when renewed
in between it all
wisps of whispering smoke
and laughter and joy and you and I

Misses

That my skin
remembers and relives
the goose bumps
every time
I stare
at the ceiling

^~^

That time of night
When I tell my heart
to hold on tight

Boom boom smack

Who me?
Watching Rambo last blood and I must say that all Sylvester Stallone movies of the past few years from the testosterone addled fest that was expendables to escape plan to Creed 1 & 2 have all been pretty excellent.
Could be that I love these absolute action movies that have little in the way of plot and a lot in terms of fantastic action or maybe these movies are actually good.
Cannot say because I am quite biased and this movie that I'm watching is deliciously full of gore in a way that it's not glossy but air punching, thigh slapping awesome!!
So yes. Definitely recommended if not already watched that is .

For better understanding

This is a very rough explanation of my neck issue. 

What I learnt

I have something called 'cervical disk herniation' and I've been referred to a chiropractor whom I shall meet this Thursday to learn a couple exercises etc .
'Not serious but a little serious' is how the doctor put it.
Okay.
So I saw the MRI's and realized the problem.
Perhaps I can make a diagram of it to explain better here which I will do as soon as I reach home because man I need some caffeine to digest this mouthful.

At the hospital

My lips glossy
My jacket warm
My anxiety escalating

All of it for now

Hola Monday!
What have you in store for me today?
Well yes of course. There's a visit to the hospital at 2 in the pm where the MRI reports are with the doctors and today I shall find out why my neck was hurting all week and why now the ache has all but disappeared. Yes the pains are gone and I feel ready to take on the world.
Today is going to be a languorous yoga day with some strength moves and come tomorrow I will start the usual workouts..I hope.
If the doctors put me off exercise I might get a bit upset.

Enough of that!
Today there's a lot of baking to do.
I'm I the mood for making some fabulous sweet breads that imma gift people for Christmas .
I'm thinking a flower bread with thick layers of nuts and hazelnut spread .
So a total of six edible gifts which I hope I will be finished with by tomorrow.

Alright, I have two dogs to care for until I leave for the New Years after which there will be someone else taking care of them, and the weather isn't so cordial, but then again, when is it?
Seems like I always complain of the weather when I take the dogs out for walk.

Right then, upwards and onwards and vinyasa.

Horns

Sometimes
I open the door
and hope for you to show up
with flowers
and unzipped pants
except you have no flowers

dogs bark

The night
an ocean of dark
lilting towards
its waves depleting
waiting for me to give
until I'm wrung dry

/:/

I smiled for a moment
but you're not here yet
and so I'll wait
the smile still plastered
lest I'm caught unawares
with a frown

——-

Nighttime and the sleep
eludes me
much like you

Chug chug yawn

One moment I was changing channels looking for something fun to watch while Netflix buffered and the other I had passed out on the couch while both television and Witcher played in the background, my beer only half finished. That Lithuanian lager packed quite a punch .
I hadn't checked its alcohol content before picking it up and maybe I should have because it was stronger than usual beers and I am not that big a drinker, and well, I dozed off a good forty minutes on the couch, a near anomaly for me before shovelling some food in my mouth and it's not even ten yet but here I am, snug in my duvet, yawning and making a secret pact with myself to not drink this beer again and always checking for alcohol content before buying any strange beer that stand looking alluring in its statuesque can.

Drinks

This beer, I do not know what, how and when or even why is apparently made in Lithuania and tastes alright. 

Drumroll

Guess who's gotten fat?

Perched

This morning as I walked groggy eyed into the lounge.

Dinnah

Did I eat a lot? Oh yes I did. 

Jingle bells

The issue with wearing seasonal clothing vis-à-vis my spirited reindeer sweater is that it can be publicly worn for only a very limited period of time specifically from the second week of December until New Years after which it returns to the cold storage until next Christmas season that is.
Also, I'm going for a Christmas dinner tonight and I intend to be appropriately dressed for the same.
So yes, Christmas is here. :)

Friday night

Last night was a hail of hatred towards the parties concerned that got into an argument over something extremely small that escalated into something so exaggerated that it was impossible to starts backtracking and apologise or accept any. 

It got bad, it got really bad. It was vicious and violent and now that it has simmered down, the path to atonement is littered with mea culpa's and sorry and I am sitting on a throne built on the highest moral ground. 

But honestly it was so bad that I feel sick today. 

And now

Hey Saturday, you started with a whimper. 

Do we like it?

Do I want to buy gluten free organic black rice ramen? 

I think maybe, I think maybe not. 

We have to try

Anything our existing government wants to say or do or 'reform' it's all aimed towards creating a Hindutva nation. They have a very specific core value which they wish to and might successfully implement.
We will no longer be called a secular democratic country but a Hindu nation that prioritises one particular religion over anything else because that is the very core agenda and essence of the existing BJP government.
This is a vitriolic party that is not concerned with terms like 'education', 'development', 'welfare' because those are moot points for them.
It's important that we resist and make it a point to not let them come in power again because they're fascists with a very targeted agenda and with little or no concern for their own citizens and their needs.

If you're going to the capital then do become a part of the protests and lend your voice because keeping quiet is just as good as wearing a blindfold and letting world pass without having done your bit into trying to change it.

Some thoughts

Morning and my messages are bombarded by pictures of protests and live videos because I do have some friends and family members who are an avid part of the protest.

Good, I think.
Better than doing absolutely nothing.
Living outside of the country I'm also bombarded by different narratives of the same situation where most of my family and friends who fall to the left of the centre talk about things that are truly aggravating while news channels in the pay of the govt. give facts that are almost antithetical to what I'm being told.
One is propaganda and the other is anti propaganda propaganda and maybe if I were in the locus of it all I'd have a better understanding of the issue.
Perhaps I should just read the bill and make up my mind on it because no one is right on the absolute and I think the illegal immigrants living in our country for more than a generation now deserve to become a part of our country because where on earth are we planning to deport them?
They now have kids and a new generation and they all live as a part of our nation.
Yes there aren't too many of them but that doesn't mean they're nothing.
Also I don't understand why refugees from countries like Sri Lanka and Myanmar haven't been included in this amendment? Probably because there's a high chance that those refugees in question will be Islamic.
The only countries included are ones where the minorities aren't Muslims.
Someone told me that this is the first step towards ethnic cleansing and they pointed out how my name which lacks any surname will be looked on as doubtful and that I might have to start collecting documents to prove my nationality.

This is a bit disturbing to say the least but right now that so called law isn't being implemented and the one state that it was implemented which is Assam it was signed during the terms of the previous government.
Again, I can't say much because these are many different narratives and perhaps only reading news reports of certain minded newspapers isn't going to give us a clearer picture.

I do however hate the fact that students are facing violence and also I hate that there's a lot of harm caused to our public property.

Now these are smart tactics to keep the citizens occupied with such issues while the Govt. deflects from the main concerns which is rising unemployment and decaying economy.
We are regressing in terms of the last two and the govt. keeps us busy with Hindu Muslim issues so there isn't much for them to answer.

A silent round of applause to such think tanks.

_\_

What time is it?
It's late already
and I sat mid sleep
my eyes fending off
incoming dreams
and I wonder
what anomaly
May this be
That I'm sleepy already
while watching some series
that steadily gripped me
and I kept
brushing it away

/\

In this low light
Unevenly bright
you are my night

—

Nighttime and the shimmering air
is susurrant
with questions
I can answer
only in private

lost in translation

A very nervous me picks up the phone which I know is from the hospital.

'hello'

'hello'

'Your MRI reports are with us. We would like to book you for the operation' the voice cooly says.

Meanwhile, I can feel the ground shifting away from under my feet. My heart now lodged in my throat I utter some monosyllabic gibberish.

'What ?' I finally gurgle.

'The voice is cheerful. 'When can I book you for the operation? Your MRI reports are here'

 'Why?' I choke. 'What do the reports say?'

'I don't know. The doctor can tell you.' the voice sounds puzzled.

'Then why?' I spurt out. 'Why do I need an operation?'

A long pause.

'I'm sorry. Appointment, not operation. My English isn't good' the voice says.

'Oh well. That.' I try to not wince as I bash my leg on the table as I whooped with some relief. 'I can meet the doctor immediately and get it over with.'

Short pause.

'The orthopaedic doctor is only available on Monday after 2 pm' the voice says nonchalantly.

I feel myself wanting to fling my phone into the abyss. 'If he's only available every Monday then why did you ask when I'd like to book the appointment?' I whisper into the speaker.

'What did you say? my English isn't very good' she repeated.

'Monday is alright at 2 in the afternoon' I said a bit wearily and thanked her for heaven knows what before hanging up.

Meal today

Lunch is chicken marinated in spiced yogurt with potatoes, mushrooms and juicy red peppers because I've had a day and a half and I need to feel alright with the world again. 

The horrors

Nothing like a good old fashioned Thursday for a quick jaunt to the hospital to get scarred for life by witnessing first hand the claustrophobic environment of an MRI machine that made sounds much like the alien spacecraft from the movie encounters of the third kind.
I don't know what was more hair-raising, the laying down and fitting into the conveyer belt like bed with a Hannibal lector designed mask for the face or the odd disco lights that played overhead combined with the clanking and clicking sounds of a hundred microscopic big bangs.

To say that I had my eyes shut would be an understatement because my eyes were glued together with the force of a hundred suns because had I been aware of the dome like white room that I was encapsulated in for a good ten minutes I'd have had a panic attack.
Definitely not an experience I'd like to repeat nor hope anyone else goes through or maybe I'm just over reacting but all I did for those moments of extreme agitation was take deep breaths and live in my happy place .
A happy place that I slowly walked into, right from the moment of alighting from a cab to climbing up the stairs.
I thought of everything.

Thursday!
You got me by the bones.

Now for another cup of tea since the early morning one simply doesn't count and then a quick shower before making some chicken and veg.

Want

What's this and why do I want it? It's called vampire cup.

And now

For the lunch that I kept forgetting of all the time. 

We learn, falter fall break, reassemble.

Morning, a Tuesday no less and I have plenty of time to myself, not least because I won't be working out this week whatsoever.
I think I've been able to zero down on the exercise which led to the uncomfortable sensation in my neck. Perhaps I'll completely eliminate it from my circuits .
It's the tricep extensions that I do which sometimes tends to strain my neck when the weights are too heavy and I don't have a spotter who keeps telling me to keep my neck in alignment with my spine, which frankly is a dialogue that keeps running in my head every time I workout but often times some workouts are best done in front of a mirror and a tricep extension if done with heavier weights is definitely that exercise.
Strange how till today after years of exercise, I'm still learning what my body wants and what I give it.

In the same vein I don't feel like eating foods which a few months ago I religiously ate. Case in point noodle salads, specifically buckwheat noodle salad that I ate almost twice a week, is a thought I cannot abide by these days.
Maybe it's the cold nature of that food which keeps me from wanting it or maybe it's just a phase or perhaps it's the weather.
I'm craving soups. Lots of hot soups, maybe sweet potato or something such.
And would you believe it that today I have no idea about what I'd like to eat because I'm in no mood to cook up anything.
I'd thought I'd dedicate today to taking pictures for a recipe but it's so dismally dark, so overcast and almost ready to rain that photography is quite out of question.
It's upsetting but I have set myself some deadlines and I hope to not fail myself.

—
I think there are times I get obsessive about certain things and sometimes I tend to overdo them, when I could instead take a simpler, more realistic and relaxed approach.

I have to learn that it's always during these times that I let myself get injured, though this ain't nearly as big as the muscle tear in my shoulders from two years ago, it still is enough to keep me away from exercising, something I absolutely resent because working out is probably one of the bigger stabilising factors in my life and I could never give it up no matter what.

I have slowly started taking things a bit more easy but I'm not fully there yet.

Last year I was almost on the path to orthorexia, so much so that I had started cutting out gluten, dairy and almost everything that I thought isn't pure or healthy for my body.
I have stopped eating bacon and sausages and almost everything processed for that reason and it took a long moment of retrospection to realize that I am going a bit crazy with the whole tracking of my macros business and avoiding even normal foods which are a household and diet staple.
I love sciencing my workouts, nutrition and energy and sometimes it can go to extremes and for that I'm glad to have a family and people around who aren't afraid to raise their eyebrows and call me out on my growing idiocies .

Sometimes I think we need someone to slap some sense or just make fun of us when we cross that thin line of being cautious to being obsessed and I often crossover.

So yes, this is my rant because I'm free this Tuesday morning and this week doesn't look like there will be any workout and I just wanted to share a few things which might help you on your path to fitness.

It's a journey and there are milestones and there are small resting places. Perhaps this is mine for a bit.

Nightmiss

Nighttime and the heart loops
to find those missing beats

Nightrope

Did the skies bend over to touch my orange skin stitched with little cosmos of bursting nostalgic kisses that burn along the shores of sand eaten beaches under waning Jupiter moons, abruptly torn through spirals of blue fog, littered with rose scented woods who hug the wind so hard they strangle into shrieks of chequered tornadoes.

Besmirch

That time of night
when the only light
I seek
is tainted
by our desires

Simplicity

Under pixelated pine trees
dotted over blue fabric
I sit
hoping it doesn't get any warmer
than it already is
or I'll have to seek
the coldness of your bored heart
one that smiles at stupid memes
and laughs at tiktok videos

Purr

There are the cutest little three cats in this picture one is a jet black and two are sweet little tabbies who look exactly like my little Hope when she was a few months old.

Maybe they have the same parents maybe they are cousins, Right now it looks like they have been adopted by someone inside the compound.

White coats

And yes it's my mistake!
Totally my mistake that I went to a hospital and digressed from the real reason that was regular checkup for insurance and decided to show self, neck pain and all to a doctor, an orthopedic at that because I've never shown to one to get a proper diagnosis, always instead opting for physiotherapy and chiropractor and so why not I thought.
I'm suffering from some stiffness, my head feels heavy every morning for the past week because of the same stiffness I feel running through my neck to the back of my head..doctor won't you please check and tell me what I can do to fix it for good.

The doctor in question was pulling my arms and moving my neck in every direction asking me if I felt any numbness in certain parts where I didn't, then he pressed my neck in certain places to ask where it hurts.
I replied in all honesty.

The doctor shook his head, prescribed some pain relief patches that I can stick on my neck and he added, get an MRI!!

What the actual what??
Why do I need that for?

The doctor told me he could get a proper diagnosis this way and an MRI was the most accurate way of finding out the real trouble with my neck.
But surely there must be another way.

An MRI is the best way he said and left it at that .

So here I am sticking a patch at the back of my neck and Cursing the gods and that doctor and myself for getting into in this mess .
The hospital has now booked an appointment for Thursday morning and god knows I'm too much of a sissy to get an MRI done .
Yeah so never go to a doctor. They'll make you into a forever patient.

I know the thought and sound of an MRI seems like something is so dangerous but apparently they're prescribing an MRI to everyone these days.
I always thought MRI is the last option when something is beyond getting diagnosed normally and here I am the first thing the doctor tells me for my neck issue is to get an MRI, now isn't that stupid. I am so upset.

Breathe in breathe out

Say one thing about hospitals, say I hate them.
Even though I'm in some other wing of the hospital, one that doesn't typically smell like one I hate the thought of getting jabbed by injections and watching them draw my blood out.
I've also asked for an orthopedic and now I'm in the waiting lounge and I was so stressed about this whole debacle that I scarcely had any lunch before heading out.
Hospitals make me so anxious.
And if I have no blood pressure now, wait till I see a doctor and get that pressure blowing out the top of my head.
Gah!

Patience

A phone call in the morning informed me to come to the hospital for my annual check up for which I haven't gone in the past two years.
It's necessary I was informed. A short pause later the voice added 'for insurance'.
Okay, so that means today is going to be pretty lame.
Hospital then, and maybe I can go to an orthopedic and ask them to unscrew my neck which is hurting a bit.
I think it's my horrible sleeping posture that has undone it for me this time.
So yes, blood tests and what not and maybe some neck tests and perhaps a chiropractor is in order.

Your mornings

Monday, and I woke up in a sweat that even though a bit uncomfortable had me feeling cozy and I waited for another wave of sleep to wash me over but the mind had me immersed in the twilight of my memory, where the body sang a melodious rhythm of sweaty chorus to the grating of metronomic moans under a gigantic cadence of gentle caresses.
I wasn't thinking as much as the thoughts began to pour out from the surface of the skin in beads of retrospect; the fingertips tingling to moments of electric vibes that opened and massaged my every nerve ending with careful liberation.
My soul hung in ether watching over, smiling, satiated.

All that is

I had been procrastinating it but enough is enough.
Just finished making some turmeric tea mix which is a vital for mornings and now that we are in the middle of full blown winter my body needs it more than ever not least because it does wonders to metabolism and springs back to life all that one would think is asleep inside the body.
It's like all the cells tingle back to sudden resurrection after a shot of the vital spicy drink and I'm up and running for the day.
One thing that I used to be hard core into but now I've reduced is drinking apple cider vinegar in the morning. No real reason except I'm a bit bored of it.

Okay, about workout tomorrow!
I think I'm going to do a long hour of vinyasa yoga and continue with that thread for this week because I might have done something to my neck while lifting the other day in the gym and we all know that it's bit of an old pain point in my life.
Pain point being the keyword.
Hah!!

Come winters and I start losing my appetite. Food just doesn't taste as good and I don't feel like going out of my way to cook something spectacular all the time.
Perhaps these are just phases and they'll soon pass .
Sure hope so!

Checking in

Everything and nothing

Morning and I've just made myself comfortable on the couch after a whirlwind morning routine.

The first forty minutes after waking up, no matter the time and on weekends I try to sleep till 8 after which the cats make it impossible because they're hungry, I am stuck with a variety of chores that simply cannot be ignored.

The dishes from the night before that stay drying in the dish basket need to be arranged without fail and every morning I'm amazed at the amount of dishes that got used up.
Like how much did we eat and how much did I cook?
After the arranging it's the litter cleaning and throwing out of trash which again baffles me. A big bowl full of organic trash gets accumulated through the day that is donated to a composting pile along with miscellaneous garbage which I simply cannot understand how I end up collecting.

Then it's the usual quick sweeping, followed by making of the beds, cleaning the beddings and sheets and pillows with a lint roller and finally it's on with the washing machine.
Sometimes, like today, I fished out clothes from the drier after almost a day and a half because I'd forgotten all about it.
These things happen.

And now finally, I sit with a mug of lemon water of which I will have copious amounts while the cats play wrestle and scatter their fine fur all over my floors, rendering my morning exercise of cleaning everything relatively moot, but that's how it is. I end up cleaning the house several times a day.

As I typed, I downed almost three mugs of warm water and now its tea time after a banana.
Tea. Yes. My daily manna.
I need it so.

The agenda for today ain't decided yet but it's a lovely blue sky day which can get overcast any moment now but I feel like a very long languorous walk while checking out small shops by the roadside is exactly what today ordered.

Maybe I'll buy some flowers, maybe I'll chomp down a couple street-side snacks, maybe I'll have a glass of grass jelly tea.
Full of possibilities..just how I like it.

Again and again

Adding to the infinite list of 'things I don't need but I am given anyway' is a new blender.
I have in previous posts mentioned how I sometimes gravitate towards blendtec like blenders but never buy them because I haven't reached a point of such specific need, but it so happens that people thought I needed it because maybe I trawled some websites generally checking it out and lo! Here I am with a high speed nutrition blender which I definitely do not have any need for in my life currently nor any space in my kitchen shelves!
I am so angry I could kill somebody.

I mean why was I not asked??
The answer was that I needed it.

But I didn't!
The answer was that I'd said I liked it.

Dude! I like so many random things all over the place. Doesn't mean I want them all.

These are decisions for which I should be consulted but I don't understand why to this date I've not been able to drive this point home and like a clockwork I end up with things I have little need and space for in my life .

Yaaaarghhhh!!! I hate blenders.

And now

Who me? 

Heading out, and you? 

Nightmiss

The veins remember
how some bones cackled
under your weight.

Hearts

That time of night
when the world is obscured
by your secret light

Fortune telling

Watching suspense movies and always trying to figure out the suspense before it unfolds and proving right most of the times because these tropes are getting old!

Sniff sniff

Remember how I couldn't stop raving about this amazing reed diffuser scent which I'd found at an artisan shop? It was a coconut lime scent which smelled fresh and tropical and something I'd want to sit and whiff all day, well, today I inaugurated that diffuser and it was outrightly rejected by people.
'I don't like the smell. It's weird'

But, but! I protested.
No point because the decision has to be unanimous seeing how it was meant for the bedroom and so now I've plugged the lid back on it and replaced it with a white lotus and apricot scent, which though good is still a bit generic but that's how things are sometimes.

:(

today has left

Come back!
I say as I try to pull back today that has near whooshed past me while I went about getting through with everything I had needed to get done with.
Its soon going to be half-past three and I thought it was just sometime post noon, but no.
The urgency of the evening hazard looms overhead as today is Friday the 13th and had I been working in my previous profession it would have been some sort of a big party night and what not but right now in this life there is only pizza planned for the evening dinner and that needs serious prepping, most of which I have done.
But today!
Man, it ran withiut talking to me.

Also, Phase 2 of the cleaning is done and my bedroom near sparkles. Sparkles I tell you.
There are small specs of glimmer dotted around the place and I find it difficult to not spend all my time there but that is reserved for night time.

Rounded

Lunch today is a large bowl of sambhar and appams, because I need feel good food that's both nutritious and satiating. 

From experiences

There's something extremely relaxing and comforting in looking around and wallowing in neatness that surrounds your life.
It's a bit silly perhaps but as much as I talk about chores, the fifteen minutes spent in cleaning the house and straightening, arranging everything really makes for a happier day.
This is tried and tested and I have lived this life for a long time and I can say it with certainty that even sulking in a clean tidied space makes for a better meltdown than it would in a cluttered area.

Misses

That time of night
when I take flight
right into your arms
to dissolve
while staying absolute
as a fistful of sand
In crashing waves

Step by step

Changed the curtains too, in every room but this is the most frequented area of the house, one with the most personality. This lounge is where the heart is and it was this corner which got the most work done today.

I have some more bedroom stuff pending because phase 2 which was the arrangement of towels etc didn't happen and I had to jump directly to phase 3.

That means tomorrow is when it will get done.

The guest room is pretty much dormant and needs nothing, and my study area needs a bit of sprucing but I haven't figured the curtains for that room yet so..

Maybe I'll put a better picture tomorrow when it's still bright out.

Lunch

Miso soup with rice noodles and kelp with a side of kimchi and avocado. 

Different phases

Phew!
Phase 1 is complete which was assembling the clothes cupboard.
I'm now taking a breather and preparing lunch which is my spin on miso ramen and currently I'm making some dashi stock. Everything plant based because I feel virtuous.
Earlier, I wasn't hungry and had decided on having some sustenance in the form of avocado toast and shoving it in me, but I'm glad I waited to feel hungry enough to make an effort for a nice meal.

Once lunch is done it will be phase 2 which is arranging the towel cupboard and makeup and after that phase 3 shall commence and that is the more difficult one because I'm going to pull out each book from the shelf, sweep it with a wet cloth and pile it up into desirables and undesirables and then the whole shifting of the furniture will happen.
Yes. It's going to be a long day.

Racked

It looks better than I'd expected and better than what it looked on the site. All it needs now is a bit of shifting and arranging. 

In case you're wondering what's that small cave on the top, it's my cat's winter house. 

Long exhale

These moments of self contentment, of silence and unworried languorousness which I have to myself each morning is what keeps me sane through the day.
No one else but me with a cup of tea and some barely audible music in the background where my mind stays blank and lets me quietly stare out of the window at nothing in particular except the trees shedding their leaves and frolicking cats. It's this daily serenity that I need to be a part of to keep the tranquility in my being, no matter how skewed some days might seem because this is probably what makes me myself, and keeps me in check.

For these small moments I am thankful.

The list

Morning and I step into the lounge remembering what went down a few hours prior.
The shoe rack got done sometime in the wee hours of morning and before repairing to bed it got pushed against a wall to finish the pending arrangements in the morn.
I walk into a very darkened lounge and realize that the finished rack was pushed against a window and dark as the world already is, the rack is also obstructing a stream of light which usually sprawls in the lounge area around this time.

So today is going to be dedicated to cleaning and arranging and decluttering.
It's a bit like dominoes.
You want to do one thing and end up fixing along a lot of other things too.

I'm thinking of giving this corner a bit of a lift, in that imma shift the book rack to another part and shift the new shoe rack into that area but before that I am going to clean out the book shelf.
Gotta throw out unnecessary books that aren't mine and will never be read because of their extremely boring content with choice titles like 'cold steel', 'panama papers' anyone? I mean why?
These are getting the hell out of my house along with at least three pairs of shoes that need to to go.
Also, today I'm fixing my cupboard and other things like the towel almirah and my makeup shelf and getting rid of anything that I'm not using and things that have expired .
It's very difficult for me to get rid of makeup but some things have to go.
Today is going to be unapologetically busy. It's going to be a total overhaul and mad cleaning moment, and if all looks good then I'll definitely put up pictures .

For now all I need is a big mug of tea cuz man my body is rebelling and about to contort with aches.

To the kitchen.

DIY

Almost four hours into assembling the new shoe rack and it's still not completed and there are two of us working on it. 

Not difficult, just tedious. 

Will it get done tonight? 

Perhaps by morning. 

Joys needed

My life currently sparks no joy.
If I show you the state my cupboard is in, Marie Kondo might have a stroke because the winter clothes and summer clothes are mixed into a most ungodly looking melange of fabrics and i'm this close to burning everything.
All I really have to do is tidy it but I'm feeling far too lazy to do any of it.
It's going to take no more than forty five minutes and seeing how I have no work out that needs doing for a few days now, perhaps my cupboards is where I should be diverting my attention.
But I feel so not in the mood for it!!!
Argh!
Where is motivation when I need it?
Speaking of drinking tea, I have just made for myself a warm mug of homemade hot chocolate which was playing but quite sweet and maybe that's what my system needed it.

Now to watching some mindless television and talking myself into fixing things.

Tea now

All day today I've been craving and needing tea.
The exact kind I drink each morning with ginger and what bit.
Right now I feel like filling myself up with a cup.
Don't know why that is. Could be the winters doing that thing they do or maybe it's just my mood and the current bout of weirdness I'm going through .

—
I wrote this post a while ago and got distracted.

Haven't had any tea since but downing a glass of sparkling water instead.

Lit

Hey you. 

It's time to light you and have you scent my entire house with your sweetness .

only knocks allowed

Ever since my cat's operation, I have dismantled the doorbell and not bothered yet to plug it back in because doorbells are annoying. Even though mine is a sonorous tinkle of a sweet ting tong it gives me anxiety, moreover and here is the real reason, kids like to lean on it with all their weight and they jab it so fast and furiously that the sonorous tilt turns into a grave squawk and it makes me want to murder little kids, a sentiment we don't want hanging around our heads and so there is no doorbell ringing inside my house.

When my cat was in recuperative phase which was a painful time for my cat and a long week of unbearable guilt for me, the doorbell literally had me jumping off my seat and often broke the repose my darling kitten found herself in, she would skitter under the couch because she felt unsafe and that was the last straw.
My naughty little furball of mischief who is by far the friendliest and most curious of felines I have ever met broke my heart every time she scurried away, afraid of anything that stood outside ringing the doorbell and that in turn broke my heart. I almost wanted to shout at anyone who rang the bell and that isn't the right thing to do which is why it's week three without the bell and I miss it not in the least.

bits and bobs

Who me?
Just taking my new vpn fo a spin and I like it.
Today has been eventful that way.
I clicked a couple dozen pics of food that now sits in the fridge and will probably be my dinner and my headache still lingers along with other pinpricks I feel in places I didn't know existed within.

Sometimes the smallest of changes can make you want your two-day-old self back. It's strange but Just a couple days ago I was absolutely fine with no headaches or cramps and today began with feeling like shit.

Right then.
Chamomile tea by my side and a new vpn that isn't all that bad.
Let's see what else today has.

I'd been meaning to start on a new drawing and I've got my rendr paper and everything in front of me but maybe I should let the headache abate.

Head on

Woke up this morning feeling five kinds of fucky and weirdly dizzy, which perhaps comes on account of a thrumming headache that identified itself as migraine and I couldn't understand why I felt the way I did.
Getting out of bed just made me want to die. I thought I was going to fall. The odd spinning moment was scary and I wondered if I don't have vertigo or something such .
What on earth.
A moment later a sudden cramp informed me that I was down with the 'sickness' and by the heavens my whole body is in retaliation of my existence.
Sipping on tea and finding a moment of sanity and momentary happiness from the receding hurts but I know for a fact that I will have to take a medicine if the headache doesn't subside in a while I'm it's own.
Migraines are sticky bastards and dealing with them is tricky business.
Ugh to this morning!

Thee

all the whispers
echoing coyly within me
shed their modest veil
the moment you kiss me

•^*•

My day long
My cats sleepy
My heart yours

<~>

I'm a small graveyard of stones
I plant some thorns
and hope for them
to bloom into flowers

Solemn

Nighttime and the heart is frail
beating to flickers of hope
the horizons have rounded edges
the waves recede, refuse to wash ashore
nighttime and the old afflictions resurrect
swarming as locusts
over arid fields of burns
where the lonely pangs stay shipwrecked

Breathe in

These are strange times my darling
the need to feel physically close
are thought of as disturbances
would you call it corrections
were I to strangle someone?

Bloody hell

YouTube threw a desi metal band in my recommendations and can I just say how pleasantly surprised I was.
It's a band called bloodywood and they're bloody good actually.
I think they've tapped a right tone and the uniqueness in their creations makes it sound new in a way that it doesn't try to pretend to be something else.
It's fresh, fun and well made. The production is good and it's seriously nice.
I like and recommend .

Drawing blood

V wars season 1 is done, and I'm guessing there will be more cuz they left the story waiting and wanting for more so there should be another season.
It was a very okay series in that it was quite predictable and corny.
The lead actor has the acting range of a puppet and the storyline was alright but not great and maybe that's how it was meant to be.
It was simple and engaging and there were some draggy parts and some cringe ones, the overall acting was very okay and there wasn't a character worth getting invested except for maybe a couple who didn't die.
The vampire story gets twisted in a way that it's a disease spreading through people who're susceptible to it and not the entire population is, therefore the wars and etc etc. and there's politics and internal politics and people switching sides faster than you could blink.
It was entertaining although, something you'd want to watch with a bag of chips with nothing better to do.

on coffee and caffeine

As delicious as it is and sometimes seems, coffee or tea or any sort of caffeine tends to sometimes play havoc on our system.
Coffee is extremely acidic in nature and consuming it in huge quantities especially when made in an almost dessert-like concoction that is thickly beaten with sugar and added to milk subdues and masks its strong taste while the added sugar immediately spikes the insulin in our blood generating a sudden rush and feeling of warmth which often makes us want to reach for a second cup and often times many of us do.
It creates an acidic ecosystem in our stomachs which should ideally be alkaline and that is sometimes an almost incomprehensible feeling of agitation, palpitations, nausea even stiffness in the throat which we sometimes attribute to a recent lunch when almost always the culprit is the big shot of caffeine dose that follows right after.
Not saying that coffee or tea should be completely avoided, absolutely not, but having it in limited quantities is the key. At all cost, it should be avoided on an empty stomach because it only adds to the acids in our stomach that release to digest food and that sometimes leads to corrosion of intestinal linings, even resulting in ulcers sometimes; this is, however, an extreme case and not something to worry about if the symptoms don't manifest which are extreme.
Avoiding all sorts of caffeine every few days a month is a good idea to get the system to reboot and adjust itself and perhaps avoiding instant coffee is a good idea or changing the size of coffee mugs.
If you drink out of a large mug then maybe opt for a smaller one and drink it only after a large meal when the stomach is sufficiently filled.

Sometimes it's not so much the need for caffeine as it is the need to drink something sweetened and warm that drives the want for coffee in which case and I speak from personal experience, it's always helped me to dissolve a bit of honey and dunk in a non-caffeinated herbal tea in hot water to sip on slowly and that mitigates any need for coffee or just have some hot chocolate, anything not too calorific, one that fits in with your daily macros should do.

I don't know if you've tried caramel rooibos tea, but in case you're in the market for something to bring you back to life this winter without adding any calories and without the caffeine then perhaps give it a try.

here we go

Well, hello VPN dearest!
Haven't you been missed?
Let me tell you how much! I'm going to blast my speakers with synthpop and write my heart out and then some more because what the hell really!

So I have to different vpn's and one of them starts acting fucky every now and then but I try to work with it because when it work it freaking works but when it doesn't there's no way in hell I can make it, which is when I skip to the other one, which sadly I haven't installed on my laptop and this is a learning because that is exactly what I should have done and that is what I'm currently doing because only a VPN can help you get another.

Ah then..
let's see.
to the food blog!

Home sweet home

And I'm back from outer world and it's cold and full of Starbucks.
I'm glad to be back in the clawing embrace of my cat and exercise mat on which I'm about to blast some of my existence with some tabata and strength workout.

Morning views

Morning time and I'm done with chores and other such as I slowly sip some lemon water.
Morning is an early one today because in another hour that is before nine I have to be out and about for some important work and I hate these sort of works that expect me to wake up and dash out of the house before breakfast .
The thing is that if I get embroiled in breakfast and other such things then I won't be able to make it out in time.
It's cold out, the cats are playing around the house and I wish I could sleep a bit more.

My workout for today is pending and maybe I'll finish that once I'm back which will be a bit before noon and I don't mind, seeing how I've already prepared lunch.

Tea will be early today.

Ooh yeah

Who me?
Listening to Metallica and punching dough.
My roti's are gonna scream in yer throat tonight, babyyyy.

Li’l one

—

The right word is perhaps a jar but container works too . :)

Just a few

Done and dusted!
I clap my hands with joy after walking out of the bank with a triumphant grin and in no mood to rush back home and so what does one do?
I decided to check out a new tea shop opened up nearby and it's one of those bakeries and tea shops with strange concoctions that although seemingly delicious are not for one who is lactose intolerant and or watching what they eat in weekdays .
There are plenty of milk cheese tea's and cream cheese based drinks that are all the rage these days and I have on an earlier occasion tried cream cheese coffee which delicious as it was, wasn't for me .
Plenty of bubble tea's, grass jelly tea's, Yakult flavoured cold tea and many different oolong's which although I love, I prefer my homemade ones and so I glanced over at their coffee menu and there were just three all of which were too strange for me to try out .
One was a tea flavoured coffee (with cream), one was a lemon coffee and one was a strawberry milkshake coffee.
I have never tried such drinks and perhaps had there been a plant based milk I'd have loved to try them but experience has taught me that any coffee flavoured with fruit doesn't do too well in the taste arena and what on earth is tea flavoured coffee even?
So what do I do?
I enter the local costa coffee shop and order an americano which I slowly sip and think of all the things that have to be done today .

Apart from dinner I need to get a new vpn for my machine and that is bit of an emergency because I haven't been able to upload blogs.

It's a sunny day today and how lovely it feels to be out and about in the sun.
These days are lovely and scarce and one must make the most of them.

Right then.
Coffee and then homewards and then some.

Misses.

Cusp of breaking

Banks are almost always extremely non exciting and when you have personal non cash related stuff they tend to give you a ticket which never gets called .
The machine knows I have unimportant work in the eyes of this bank but hella important for me and I should have picked up a better timing because right now there are too many people post lunch.
I've always found Saturday's to work best but this work needs getting done today and so here I am like an idiot, sitting and surfing.

Also what's up with this heat here?
It's cold out but the air conditioning is cranked up to hell and now I feel hot in my coat.
Should I start shedding off layers?

Bank buck

I have bank work today.
Isn't that just enough to wipe the smile off a face, specifically mine seeing how I've been pretty upset for a few days now.
I'm still angry and bank work makes it worse.

Oh yes

My day sombre
My cats playful
My tea magnificent

Nap time

The alarm was about to chime. The time was still ten minutes to six. Another ten minutes and I waited until it sang.
Another ten minutes I'd said and there I was, staring at the clock exactly two hours later at eight.
The time had sped through as I buried my entirety inside a very warm quilt.
The cotton sarcophagus had insulated me from the world and I sat disoriented looking at the ongoing activities that were happening while I slept in the background.
I overslept and for that I felt only momentarily guilty before going back to sleep again for another fifteen minutes.

Monday list

Blue blots that peek through rust hued maple leaves promise a bright day with nary a patch of grey or white on their skylit robes, glowing incandescent torches of sunshine on buildings slowly creep through windows to spread unevenly around silent floors that have forgotten shadows.

And now

Fangs

Who me?
Watching V wars cuz it's vampires and the first episode is called 'down with the sickness' so yes I must have to watch it and see how awful or awesome it turns out to be.
If it's anything like the first few seasons of true blood then You know I'm glued!
More on it soon.

Something’s

Saturday and it goes as Saturday's usually do .
I have got done with clicking some pictures for a new recipe and for that I'm glad.
The weather is beautifully sunny and frigid and seems like it's a good day to go to the park with the drone .

I don't know what it is or maybe that I'm hearing kind, uplifting words after a long time but reading such rave reviews for the story had me feeling jaunty, my frown was upturned and I now realize the lack of sweetness in my life .
Something to be said about being taken for granted and the staleness of everyday humdrum when people you live with stop noticing you, or maybe it's all in my head.

Ah then.
Saturday and I've to order flowers for a friend who has invited me for dinner.

Eww

Flights and thoughts

Guess who has successfully flown around the city park today?
I didn't know I would be able to rage fly that stupid drone and after a few trials and errors, or rather many errors I was able to fly the damn thing and it was alright I guess.
Seeing the top of so many heads and empty skies was okay I think but definitely not something that ha some clapping my hands in joy.
Maybe if this was just something that wasn't a part of a gift and just another gadget to have fun with I'd have enjoyed it more, but the fact that it led to a series of meltdowns makes me hate it.

The only issue was that I had no SD card in it cuz I don't have micro SD cards lying about my house and that drone didn't come with one .

Apparently it wasn't a very common gadget and I was actually asked by many people about it. It was all very triggering and I literally wanted to tell them how much I hated it, but since it's my birthday present I'm stuck with it and I'm just flying this damn thing out of spite and annoyance.
The good thing was that the said park was only a few subway stations away and because it was good weather I didn't mind a bit of train travel whatsoever.
So now I'm back, the mini drone is now discharged and I am still pissed.

My work has suffered because of the vpn and tomorrow I'm going to be clicking some more pics for a new recipe.

I'm thinking that by next year before I leave for the Chinese holiday vacations my recipes should have reached a 50 mark. I'm still on my 35th and it's not going as fast as I'd like.

I can feel the insomnia coming in 3..2..1

—

As if everything has to now be rectified I'm being coaxed to go out for Japanese today because people want to eat light food tonight. Such favours bestowed upon me.
Sighs.
Should I not find a hatchet and make a clean cut of it all?
Sometimes I feel like I want nothing to do with marriage anymore.
Maybe I wasn't built for it.
Talk about wrong people in wrong places.

Gimme something to break

So the Vpn has absolutely stopped working and I can't upload my blog and this is pissing me off so much more. I might just throw the fucking drone on my computer screen and smash everything all to hell.
I'm so angry!!
Okay, I have to get a new Vpn but then I need vpn for that
Might as well just assemble the drone then.
It's done getting charged.

I am in a very negative space right now.
All my personal boundaries have broken into shards that cut through me.

Fuck everything.

Moments

There's an insatiable anger inside of me that draws hate from my everyday and something happened yesterday that triggered it in a way that it now wants to bubble out. 

I have no space for negativity in my life but the darkness is inside and I feel the advent of a very depressive phase coming to me and I think I had left that a few years ago. 

Maybe I need to supplement with B12 again. 

I don't know what's the problem. 

My every moment feels like a fucking meltdown. 

I want to cry and throw things around and scratch at everyone's face. 

Nets

Totally loving my tights today. 

Smirk

My mood crappy

My dress black 

My lips red

Gah

The barrage of happy birthday wishes from everyone and their dogs is getting to me.
Why can't I feel normal today?
There's so much annoyance and anger filling me up and I can't understand the reason behind it.
Maybe I know it but I'm too scared to admit it to myself .

Droned

Okay, this is literally so tiny. 

I'm so pissed that I'm setting it up and taking it out because why the fuck not? 

I mean all I wanted was a perfumed brooch but a drone is what I got, so a drone is what I'm going to have fun with. 

I don't know how long this will be fun or what I'm going to do with it but for all the rage I've spent over it I'm going to use it to pieces or drop it into the ocean if that's the last thing I do. 

Inner peace

My day started off pretty shit and it's going to be as bad the entire day today, I guess.
So much for my birthday.
I'm not in a good mood at all, on top of all that there's a stupid drone I'm stuck with which I literally want to throw against the wall and watch it shatter, maybe that'll make me happy.
I'm upset because I can't believe I am living with someone I'm not very happy with.
It's not just about the gift. Presents are nothing, it's everything else that I've been thinking about and the more I think the more I want to get out of this whole mess.
I just want to pack my bags and leave, leave everything including my pets.
Sometimes I'm just bitter and angry and I feel that all that I wish and want I get only a fragment of it and it doesn't satisfy me at all.

Even my vpn isn't working today.
I have to upload stuff.

I'm just pissed off .
The reservations I made at the Japanese restaurant are useless because people have made grander plans and so it's their plans that we will stick to, not mine because why?

It's my birthday but it's up to someone else to keep me happy! Apparently. I want everything as I want and that doesn't happen when it's two people because you gotta be able to manage everything so that there's no chance of bitterness, no matter how bitter you're feeling on the inside.

If I get anymore upset I'm going to get the fuck out of my house and celebrate my birthday alone by damaging my bank balance and getting drunk and eating at five different places.
I'm so angry I could tear a new asshole into someone .

Morning annoyances

In the long list of things I don't want, need or desire but I get them anyways is my birthday present gifted by a man who has been living with me for almost ten years now and still doesn't know what I want. 

I got a drone!

Yes, that's right, a drone for my birthday, one that can hover, which I can control and take pictures and make videos with.

Why? 

I mean what? 

I'd spent the last ten days trying to guess and never would I have ever guessed that prettily laced up package contained a freaking drone .

To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement and it was writ so large on my face that I was asked if I didn't like the gift, to which my reply was no, I don't like it at all. I mean why did you even get it? 

The surprise was endless. But you have everything else I was told .

Well, I wouldn't mind having some more of everything else, I said but for heavens sake my life has no space and value for a freakin' drone .

But we can take pictures and make movies!! 

What? Make movies for whom? 

I'm no vlogger with a YouTube account or someone who out things on Instagram, neither a photographer or a movie maker whatever the fuck one does with a drone. 

On repeated questions regarding the place of purchase it was guessed that I perhaps wanted to return it which I absolutely do or else this is another added clutter which I will probably end up giving someone who needs it more just to get rid of it .

Now everyone is disappointed and this is how my birthday began. 

<>

That time of night
When I start shedding
little galaxies
through the pores
of my skin

\/

I am yesterday
not ready to become a tomorrow
I set sights on future
in the past
averse to another today

Nughtlight

Nighttime and the bed looks like an infirmary
beckoning me to get admitted
patiently it says
quietude that pours from silence
set ablaze with a dim lamp
ready to drill thoughts that I savour in secret
a suitable background
for moments of atonement

Crowned

Tonight I am the party!