drops of blase

I have been morosely irritated and unusually angry to the point I broke down into sobs twice since yesterday.

I can't accurately pinpoint what the reason is but there was a trigger point which was 'people' buying and gifting me a perfume yesterday evening they incorrectly assumed I wanted and liked it since they saw me checking out the testers for it the other day.

That perfume, its sweet treacly almost cotton candy fucked flower scent gave me an instant headache which I recoiled from most blatantly in front of people and it was assumed the sweet gesture was not appreciated which honestly it really wasn't. What people don't know was that back at the Guerlain store when I whiffed their new perfume I hated it and kept it back but since I was a bit interested in sampling the new scent they'd come out with I had made it specifically to their store to check it out and I didn't like it, but of course, that part wasn't understood and the only thing that stayed in 'people's' memory was me going to that store specifically to check out that scent.

I hated that smell of sweet sweet ickiness at the store and I hated it when people sprayed it on my neck as a way of surprising me. I wiped it immediately with an alcohol wipe and people were left looking both dumbfounded and annoyed and I was upset as to why this perfume was bought and people retorted that I wanted it!! But I didn't want it I told him and the more I said anything the more confused people got. 

Something about this brief episode sent me into a spiral of sheer annoyance and anguish which I somehow cannot describe or understand. 

I am upset, madly angry and utterly sad.

Sometimes I feel like what the fuck am I doing with this absolutely clueless man? He knows me not at all. Does he not even know what kind of scent I will like or hate?  I feel like I am going to the edge cuz all I ever do is give and give and give and I get nothing, not even a remote bit of understanding or the kind of love I want. It's like I exhaust myself morning to night, trying to do justice to this role I am driven in, trying to live up to this life I have and I feel no happiness.