Something about today compelled me to think about 'Caine' and remember what an extraordinary man (human) he was. While going trough that thought I was also reminded that 'acts of Caine' were perhaps the most extraordinary pieces of writing I'd encountered. I am still trying to and not quite able to accept the many layers those books embraced. calling them 'portal fantasy' is like calling the sun 'a ball of fire', accurate but hardly.
So, Caine, the man who endured and fought and loved and stayed rational. There's something to be learnt from him and I am trying to still my mind and heart and trying to rationalize and accept my situation while wanting the best out of it.
I want a lot more and that cannot happen without being too greedy and overly ambitious, two character traits that I fear are a massive part of my being. I never much thought about how life could drastically change and what all I would be willing to sacrifice to help someone who would need nothing but support and help from me; I lie to myself saying that I am supportive but too afraid to admit that I am utterly unwilling to sacrifice anything from my end.
I FEEL ANGRY AND HURT THAT THINGS ARE BEING TAKEN FROM ME.
I am not a silly child who doesn't understand what's going on. I have complete grasp of the situation but I am unwilling to hear it out. This is most immature and even disturbing and I don't want to feel this way.
To be a person who is rife with an open mind and not tangled with the materials of life is someone I am not. how canI find that path? how do I keep myself from feeling bitter? I am not owed happiness by anyone other than me and here I am trying to make myself miserable by blaming others. Is it all because I think of nothing more other than me in this situation? but then how do I not do that considering this is my life to live?
I have to learn how to make peace. But how? seeing how it's my trait of not being able to make peace that has got me to this point?
What's wrong with me?
Coming back to Caine and how he fought everything for someone that had stopped belonging to him and made peace with the reality of his situation and fought on regardless.
How can I become the selfless person I was never meant to be?
