Today

Today
Is freezing
I don't feel like cooking dinner
made little progress with my drawing
I find my mind wandering into aisles most dark
People ordered a pizza
I might drink a small glass of wine

In the cold

Morning regal.

Twinkle in the foreground full of morning joys and won't up energy form being home because it's raining outside. 

In the background is a laundry basket full of clothes.

Bleurgh

The weather gods are most unkind this morning 

the irks and a long post.

 Not that I really care but some things bother me and even trigger me for no apparent reason and if I were to explain it, or at least try to, I wouldn't be able to come up with a reason. 

A psychologist might be able to make sense of it or maybe have me actually tell what triggers me about something so unrelated to me.

The occurrence

For the past couple of days, my Instagram feed has been dominated by an acquaintance's reels, videos, photographs, and forwards from other accounts of the 40th- birthday celebration of his wife. Basically, her 40th birthday was celebrated with such gusto that it would put Rishi Sunak's election to 10 downing street a rather tame affair.

It was cringe in ways I am incapable of explaining and the entire outburst of that birthday celebration seemed hellacious overcompensating. 

It was superficial, ostentatious, and pompous in the most rigorous styling of cheesy. 

From the looks of it, the celebrations took place in perhaps a farmhouse or maybe an outdoor lounge area that might have been entirely booked for the occasion. 

The entrance of the venue was carpeted with fairy lights or something along those lines. The floor was literally lit up with lights. The birthday woman's name was like a lit sign at the entrance. Huge fonts studded with bulbs or whatever and it was possibly visible even from hell.

The inside of the venue was an amalgamation of light and confetti crossed together in bizarrely gaudy birthday decor.  There were people, oh so many people! Who has so many friends? I think a lot of them were employees and their families. (The guy owns a PR company)

There was an abundance of gaiety (who the fuck is ever so happy?), and loud Punjabi music courtesy of a DJ whose lack of musical tastes vibed exceptionally with the decor.  There was a nice bar and almost everyone had drinks in their hands and arms up in the air as they whooped, laughed, cheered, and sang happily to the birthday woman, who I must admit looked quite good for 40 dressed in a white Grecian toga-like dress, immersed in her husband's excessively lavish idea of a party grinning, jiving and being the heart and soul of this entire affair.

There were times she was propped on some rotating device while she danced and it spun around over and over while revelers clicked pics, made videos, and smiled so wide it near dislodged their eyes from their sockets. 

Then there was the grand cake cutting of a cake which was multi-tiered and just looking at the light blue icing and pink flowers I knew exactly what it would taste like. 

The 'happy birthday song was sung like an anthem and the birthday gal daintily sliced at it, as her husband looked on. 

He too was dressed all in white. I think it was a Rajah coat with embroideries done around the collars and wore black studs in his ears as he kissed his wife on the cheek while she fed him a small slice.  

I think the usual gutting of the cake and smearing on the face was not happening cuz it would have ruined some expensive stuff all around and maybe 10 points for that.

But other than that it pretty much looked like a montage of cheap substitutes for emotions and happiness, or maybe I am bitter to see anyone happy?

My entire Instagram timeline suffered from this and the husband in question kept adding other people's stories of the event into his and it was an unending loop that even after two days still goes on. 

This entire debacle has bothered me for some strange reason. Even triggered me, and I cannot say why. It all sort of looked like a menagerie of counterfeit feelings. 

Maybe I gave it too much thought. wondering about people who must have returned home in the wee hours of the morning, Struggling to take their makeup off, maybe throwing up on their way, sleeping in the same clothes, run down mascaras, clothes smelling of stale smoke.

I am worried about why this bothered me so much.

Is it because my birthday is on the way which I am going to be celebrating alone (people will be visiting their father).

But I am not one for caring as much about these things. being alone if you're not lonely is most befitting.

But yes, why? why do I feel angry at their obviously very happy and momentous celebration? 

Little things

I can barely lift my arms up to tie my hair.
today was a shoulders and triceps workout and I think I might have nailed it cuz I'm wobbly all over!!

Now for gogi's injections then a cup of coffee and a spot of drawing.

This isn’t to be

Dear diary,
I am a pauper for time.
If I could I would snatch away seconds, pilfering them from those who like to waste their time or even prefer to 'kill it' and add it to my daily timeline. Maybe that might enable me to have some extra moments to myself wherein I can do what I want and maybe even squander a few nano seconds daydreaming!
That I have not had a enough time to as much as catch up on series except when I'm eating would be an understatement because my love, my day starts with a bang and ends in a whoosh!
The moment I Extricate myself from my night dress is the moment I hit the wooden floors running, almost in a tizzy of unending chores which I rather feel I have to beg to let me go for lunch and tea.
So tied am I to the infinite list of things that somehow begin to pin themselves radically, almost rebelliously to my daily task mental pinboard that I have to nearly stifle a sob and drown a shriek.
The few moments I finally get are in fact so constricted that I immediately get down to my drawing board and press play to the audiobook and that keeps me from Drifting into domestic abyss and also this is a dismal picture I paint since it leaves me with little time to journal or update here.
My time management is a ted talk in all that shouldn't be.
I will try to be better! I will!

More lines

It happens

Regular like clockwork.
Every Monday I get delayed in my workout by almost 20 minutes.
Not least because I procrastinate but also because I just can't decide whether my legs are up to the torture.
Lower body strength as usual and I am going to kill myself today.

Beaten up

Eyelashes making a dash for it just when you feel you've got it all sorted! 

Such is life. 

Going on

Hello Sunday. 

Aren't we already depressed that tomorrow is Monday?

Glimpses

Update and that's a masking tape in case you're wondering. 

Long spicy

Got a kilo of these babies cuz I don't know. 

In the meat of it

Yes please! 

Lunch deets

Who me? 

Making a hamburger but actually making a sandwich cuz I don't have any burger buns! 

Ugh okay

The one day I have to get mandatory testing (for 3 days) is the day there's no testing happening in my compound!
Post dinner I have to go the testing centre which is about 2 kms.
A walk is what I need!

Tis and tat

There are certain exercises we love and certain ones we hate.
Case in point core exercise are most certainly my enemy!
I hate them and often find myself slacking during the very core exercises I tell myself I'm gonna do!

Right then.
Lunch done and we are off to painting stuff.

Since yesterday

I am a bit annoyed ever since yesterday evening.
Here's the chronology of events
-went to super store
-got headache
-shopped
-returned home
-migraine gets worse
-medicine
-makes dinner
-has dinner half heartedly
-receives message that I was in a high risk area last week and that I have to now get tested everyday for 3 days (as if) and report to compound management (I won't do that)
-sleeps annoyed
-wakes up angry
-packs lunch
-makes breakfast
-cleans living and dining space
-feeds cat
-makes tea

Gummy

Some people love chewing gum and I am not one of those.
It gives me so much anxiety and I inadvertently always bite the inside of my cheeks!
It's much painful.
I cannot bring myself to keep chewing it. I'd say three minutes tops for me and then I begin losing it and try to chew the rubbery soul out of the gum and give myself a fat bleed.

Meatless macros

Lunch was a hefty salad with a side of matcha smoothie with mangoes and banana. 

Hahaha (sobs)

'Secret room script kiling' means online game and chat shops or video game shops 

So no Dinnah by moi

I haven't cooked dinner today cuz I just didn't feel like going into the kitchen to do anything!
And when I did thik of making something (khichri) people vetoed it with a zeal unknown!
Now I am not cooking but people are and it's egg curry!

Zap

Not nearly as much as I'd have expected from today. 

Just a bit

One moment
Before I go out
To get tested
And stand in a line
Of people equally miffed
But no one saying anything
One moment
Let me sip my herbal tea
And gain the strength
To not be snarky
To anyone wishing me good evening
One moment
To take a deep breath
Before I take out the garbage
And begin to cook
Dinner

oh my ::_

My cats hungry

My coffee weak

My hair fabulous

'tis li'l update

Alright, today! 

It's not enough to say that it was busy but I have been more industrious than an ant following sugar trails.

Since the moment of waking up, it's been one thing after another, and seizing the rare opportunity of good weather I spent the last hour clicking pics which has unfortunately eaten up my drawing time. 

yes, I have started a new drawing and it goes slowly. 

Every Monday I feel like putting off my workout and always end up doing a rather brutal lower body strength routine which kills my legs and it doesn't help that this house has far too many floors I want to climb on certain days. 

Nevertheless, things are done, I have a moment to myself to finally sit down and wonder what the fuck even!

Yellow on pedestrian Mondrian

Ginkgo leaves on pathway! 

No Sunday

9:30 in the AM and I sit yet again, sipping tea with a fur ball in my lap, catching up on YouTube that I couldn't watch much of this weekend. Yesterday was spent in different parts of the city, window shopping and eating at a Mexican restaurant which the food was Americanised version of Mexican at best and it was greased cheese with some guacamole and meat and I'll tell you one thing, I've been guilty ever since.
Today I want to eat something spicy, something zingy and fresh!
Maybe I'll eat some noodles from the nearby shop cuz the weather is so wet and icky and I've just got done cleaning the house and the everything has that slick film of moisture and that wet quality to it.
Ugh!

Unfortunate decisions and consequences

Saturday morning and I sip my second cup of tea, making a vow to myself to never drink as much wine as I did last night which even though considerably lesser than my friend was still more than enough for me!

Last evening my friend was over and we were having a great time chit chatting and sipping on a delicious Cabernet Sauvignon.
How I ended up opening another bottle and polishing it off almost entirely will be a mystery to me, or maybe not since my friend kept tilting the bottle into her glass every five minutes and I threw in a few drops every now and then into mine and I drank a lot more than I usually would which isn't ever more than a glass.

I found myself feeling weary and sleepy around 11 and around 3 I woke up parched and totally awake, cursing my decision to drink as much wine as I did!
I mean I'm not the one for alcohol! I really am not.

Spent the remainder of last night feeling hot and cold and thirsty and yuck!

My face looks rattled my mood feels off and I'm only drinking ginger ale for the rest of this month!

Friday

I have a friend coming over for drinks and I don't know what's going to be for dinner. Because I'm gonna be busy with her and when am I gonna get the time to cook?
She drinks only wine and maybe I'll serve some nachos.

Lunched

Lunch is miso salmon and a side of mango salsa. 

If you've not paired mangoes with some chillies and mint and drizzled over lime with a pinch of salt to make a salsa then you've gotta try this asap. 

Barrel of joy

The year of teddy cat! 

Q

Another day another line 

Gah

Getting messages to plan holidays and here I am still in the past, counting quarantine days that have now been reduced to 5+3 instead of 7+3!
Such a lovely 2 day reduction and to think I was joyous.
Small mercies except this is A torture.

I ate it all

I mean yes it's a lot but I was hungry. 

This is a green spinach salad with mangoes and some bacon with a ferocious dressing and a slab of homemade focaccia with some cheese and chicken because we need sustenance. 

Dimming

Dial down now 

Our rubbish weather

And just like that it started raining and it won't stop for a while 

Sighs

Evening and you're not
On the other side
Of my phone
With me

Good times

 Could be that this is old news but for me, it's fresher than most things today.

Kickasstorrents is back, well in some form or the other.

https://kickasstorrents.to/

I am ecstatic, I am happy and I am hopeful that I will find audiobooks here, seeing how my old haunt audiobookbay is done for! Its gates are shut and sealed for the moment and I was a bit agitated thinking how I don't have any more books to listen to since they're all still in their downloading phase and I was in the mood to listen to 'best served cold' as I have already started the pilgrimage back to the circle where it all finished. I think I'd started this year listening to the first law series and recently after listening to 'sharp ends' I thought, well, we gotta do this all over again, and so here I am. 

Ideally, you'd wonder why I don't have 'best served cold' but hear me out my lord, it's in my old iPad and that isn't here on this side of the neighbourood. I mean it's back home.

So yes, coming back to kickasstorrents. 

I found the book here and I am currently downloading it the speed is fabulous.

Can you guess I am already excited?

The recent nonethings

Just when I think I can manage today I find myself extra busy with trivialities that though insignificant at the time tend to be an important part of daily life which can be procrastinated until next time, but next time isn't always favorable.

I don't seem to be making too much sense and it's only because I got delayed.

Looking at the blustery rainy weather forecast for the next few days put my photography for blogs etc on a back-burner unless I'm okay with clicking pics indoors and editing later.

That can be done too I guess.

Right now I just want to finally sit down after running about in a tizzy all day and just be for a while.

Gonna get on with my drawing today. Even if only for twenty minutes. 

In a line

The wizards, it seems have landed 

Done and dusted

Finished the third and last books 'city of miracles' by Robert Jackson bennet and it's not only good but the end is satisfying and there are characters you begin rooting for towards the end.
I really good urban fantasy read and is definitely recommend it to anyone who'd be interested.
It doesn't have the juicy flair of written narrative as Joe Abercrombie since the narration is done simply and without any frills and somehow it works as well.

Yeah. Pretty good!
But now what?!
Also reading 'Scarpetta' and it goes well.

And done

A particularly strenuous lower body strength training followed by a small yoga cool down. My legs are feeling it. 

Misses

Morning and the heart drifts
to your nearest sea shore
atop a barnacle laden turtle
that only you can find

Distort

Was clicking a pic of an accident of a scooter that met a divider but my phone gave me the surreal finger. 

Curled up for warmth

That my cats have parked themselves near my turned off radiator and heater just goes on to show that winter has cometh and the babies are cold!

Yikes with boots on

Okay, so here it is.
I have not understood how and what happened today.
I haven't achieved a single goal that was Monday and here I sit contemplating absolutely nothing.

Could it be that I hadn't really planned on doing anything at all today?!
Last night I barely slept.
Blah blah Gogi was outside and bla bla I was worried it was too cold out and bla bla I was awake till 3 wanting to bring him in.

So this morning around 9 I made some tea and foolishly went back under the warm covers to drink it, something to do with wanting to stay put and have my fill of the bed cuz I didn't much sleep and I felt exhausted.
Ah well.. you know how it goes.
One moment you're sipping tea and another you're falling asleep and I wouldn't have slept all that long had it not been for two of my fur babies plonking their warms bodies right next to
mine, and there it was.
A siesta for the next 3 hours.
All my chores, all my list of to do was jacked out of place cuz I woke up around noon, totally bewildered, completely zonked out and wondering what on earth even, feeling like a sack of guilt was upended on me and here I am.
I don't know why it happened this way cuz usually I wouldn't have gone back to bed.
Ugh!
Making most of whatever's left of today cuz it's Tuesday tomorrow and nothing good ever happens.

And now



A view of tonight 

The dark and the light 

And now

A view of tonight 

The dark and the light 

Suburban moms

Kids doing homework inside of a coffee shop cuz that's the only place to concentrate!! 

How many cats?

Don’t keep it simple

Every once in a while I go down the rabbit hole of skin care and end up with chemical exfoliants and overnight ceramide infused skin spa's I didn't know I needed!
15% vitamin C and epidermal growth factor serums come to me!
Cold pressed plant squalene come smother me tonight!

All the love

My little darling 

the friday of it all

 Coffee and a bit of screen time.

I must have picked up my phone over a half dozen times to write a post and kept it back because I got distracted with work which was mostly reeling from the unusual downpour and strong humidity that rendered my entire house like a hamam. 

The coffee in question is one that I bought with great expectations but somehow like it not as much and in fact prefer the coffee of an inferior brand to this what I am drinking right now. Could be something to do with the roast since it's a bold dark roast and I am a medium roast gal!

I think I have discovered something rather strange in my migraine patterns and that is anytime I have eaten a lot of cabbage I develop migraines that aren't neck related. It's just something I have noticed and though some people do talk of cabbage and migraine connections I didn't much care about it until now. 

This is a recent development for me. 

Right then!

Friday it is and I am in the mood for a splurge, albeit not an extravagant one, but a modest one it will be, which means I will eat some guac and chips and maybe a few slices of pizza with a glass of ginger ale and maybe even some hot chocolate towards the end. 

latest but no new

 Say one thing about Thursdays say they're no good.

I am sitting in my room typing out things and hating on this day and everything else. It is rare these days for me to actually like any thing with any fervour and get excited about stuff!

Listening to some lofi because that's the only thing which won't get int the way of my typing hundreds of words.

Had coffee, didn't like it. 

Also, my diet goes steady. I have reduced my consumption of sugar greatly and substituted monk fruit for everything else. Doesn't taste as good as sugar but it's better than stevia. Far better I must say.

I have also reduced my caloric intake. Not significantly, but sort of trimmed away the unneeded feel good foods I was eating randomly without paying them much thought. Like chips or another random cup of sweet coffee, banana chips (a guilty snack I know but I love it so) and other such. 

I have now upped my consumption of herbal teas and flower teas and green tea's and though I do find myself binging on fruits time to time, like eating 2 bananas and three oranges at a go I do not eat crunchy salty things as arbitrarily as I'd begun to in the last 6 months. I do love eating pomegranates though and often times I deseed around 4 large pomegranates in an evening that last about 24 hours. 

The last 2 days haven't seen any workouts from me cuz of the ughs but once I'm out of it you know I'm gonna be sweating on my exercise mat. No excuses, just exercise.

Has there been any change in my weight? No, I don't think so. This is vanity weight and it doesn't drop off that easy. 

Morning notes

Maybe check your WhatsApp!!

The now and the then

Eating my over stuffed sandwich while watching SATC 2 the movie and the last time I watched it was in 2017 high on LSD, eating a chocolate sponge cake right out of the box with a fork. 

There we go

Making some lunch. 

I think a bowl of rice and some salmon with veggies on the side ought to do it. 

They who keep me

My little baubles of sanity

Tuesday of course

Who me?
Not feeling it today!
Slept horribly, tossing to dreams of watching my family members get chased by wild dogs in semi urban wilderness and I tried to rescue them by breaking a thick branch from a tree, the dream was spooky enough to wake me from my misguided heroics.
Next dream had me getting married to a dear friend whom I've known for 2 decades and it confused me so much that I woke up.

When I finally got out of bed my legs felt they were getting sawed through fiery incisions in my backside.
I know exactly what this is and so I refrained from donning my workout gear because I know I will be totally out of form today and an hour long lower body strength routine is quite out of question.

Feeling half hearted about everything.

Rules anew

This sign right here says that non community members (that is people not residing inside the compound) aren't allowed to get tested at the compound centre and that they shouldn't stand in the line. 

So all the people here in this compound working in bakeries, sidekick stores, restaurants, property consultants etc if they're not residing in our compound can't get tested here. 

Okay! 

Through the gauze

Mondayne







Five minutes to myself 

But why?

Sunday

In their sunshine puddles 

Being today

Who me? 

Going retro 

and you? 

Today done

Who me? 

Securely tucked in bed 

Eaten more than I wanted 

Catching up on YouTube. 

And you? 

All that is today

Phew!
Has this been a day or what?
I couldn't catch a break to carve a word mostly because there's been one thing after another and now as I sit in the outside area of a coffee shop of a hotel waiting for a friend for a drink I finally get the time to catch up.
For starters this friend here is someone I met only recently at the vet and it's not funny how quick we connected.
She's a teacher here and of American origin and seemed every bit lovely as her little furry baby. (A dog)

She asked me too meet and asked for a place which has 'happy hour' and I actually knew the exact place not least cuz I frequent this hotel almost weekly for coffee.

Right then, today!
Everything got busy.
I mistakenly did an intense cardio workout when in fact I should have opted for some kickboxing sort of upper body focused exercise cuz yesterday's massive lower body had me reeling and today's jump squats had me dead.
Yes.

After that I made lunch which wasn't as good as I believed it would be.
Something about broccoli not pairing as well with cabbage in a stir fry! Who knew?

After that there were some mayjah shenanigans happening with the neighbours in front and it turned into something quite strange which was one man hacking off another's plastic drainage pipes with a cleaver.
this entire display of extreme anger and violent actions distressed my animals and I had to find each one who was hiding from the row and usher them back into the house while the neighbours went about their pipe hacking and screaming.
It was quite comical actually to be doing this, calling my cats names in the soothing voice they recognise and shoving them inside the house.

Right!
I shall reject how the evening went cuz we want to be done with everything in time for the tests.

You mortal so and so

Mister Gogi isn't pleased! 

Yellow

Today done

The shopping today was most satisfying! 

There's pomegranates, mangoes, avocados, butter, chocolates, bread, flowers, mandarins, bananas and a box of cookies. 

Now look

Christmas time already I guess. 

Too random

Currently at a super super store and there's a person live streaming her haul and the discounts apparently showing everything to her camera and feeling quite unbothered talking randomly in public. 

Also why these cups? 

Phew and onwards

Lower body death 

Pre workout

your bed is our bed! 

On to pages

New words starting tonight. 

Need something good to wash off the too sweet saccharine romance infused syrupy aftertaste of the previous book. 

This looks like it might help. 

Summing it

Didn't climb as many floors today. 

Might have to fix that. 

Dear oh dear the craves

Who me?
Craving mutton keema with peas and how!!
Ugh!!
Now what?
I think I'll have to cook some for me but without meat for dinner
What?
Yes!

Some afterthoughts

 What on earth is Christian lofi? I got that as a youtube suggestion. No touching that. Nope. 

Wednesday and I went heavy with an upper body strength training circuit although the weights I used weren't as heavy because we are still giving myself some time to spring back to all that I was pre shitshow but each exercise was followed by the same exercise except it was done in pulses.

There were times when I had to increase my weight and sometimes I had to decrease them but we got through and my shoulders are screaming. 

I am documenting my workouts and meal consumption as accurately as I can, including every minute detail to help me understand and also chronicle my journey so that next time when I'm faced with something similar I can easily look back.

The best part is that I have previously done the same and have a most tediously cataloged diary of everything that I am detailing now and the one thing I observed was that I had reduced my portion sizes for dinner since it's always dinner that includes the most variety of foods like I usually make rice, roti, dahl,subzi, raita and I eat everything with gusto, unlike lunches that are usually salads or stir fries or wraps with lots of veg and some lean protein. 

Since dinner caters to other people's likes and dietary habits I tend to go overboard with not only cooking but also eating. Also, when I cook pasta I find myself eating almost two or  more servings cuz it never fills me up. 

Not saying that only my dinners were the reason, but it can be one small part of it.

Right then, more editing work. it's only a small window after all.

Done!!

Bandaged up! 

But only because I'm doing upper body and taking precautions. 

and it's Tuesday November end year fuck it all

 I am resetting my default mode that had been left switched on for a while which led me to gaining weight and going off track with everything that was my regularly programmed schedule.

Unless I don't get out of the funk that I am in and get back on the path that I used to walk on, my mood and spirit will never be as they were.

I have been ignoring myself for a while and I don't want to anymore. Life is not going to be as happy as it had been for a while now and things are dangling in the depressing atmosphere of uncertainty and deep loss which will be grieved forever and in between this aura of murky sadness I find myself riding the misery tidal pool and letting go, which is unlike me. 

I have to get a grip.

--

The hardest part of everything is waking up and I find myself cursing the world each morning.

Fluffy headgear

Who me? 

Editing and listening to Caine's Law.