Monday, 27 June 2022
Sunday, 26 June 2022
Saturday, 25 June 2022
:/
Feel like this place is sucking at my energy.
That I'm dispirited and sad would be an understatement.
I don't like anything right now.
I feel like crying and running to someplace which ain't this.
Not sure why?!
That I'm dispirited and sad would be an understatement.
I don't like anything right now.
I feel like crying and running to someplace which ain't this.
Not sure why?!
Friday, 24 June 2022
Truths hurt
So I put my photographs from the 'katha' on our family WhatsApp group and my brother called me to ask if I was playing 'कहानी घर घर की' in JBL and then we both laughed and then I cried and got high.
I hate my life.
I hate my life.
Eww
I recoil each time I touch anything in the kitchen, be it a jar or masala box or bottles or even the tap on the RO!
There's a residual greasy quality to everything I touch, like the remnants of oil and moisture clinging to each surface.
it makes my soul feel icky!
There's a residual greasy quality to everything I touch, like the remnants of oil and moisture clinging to each surface.
it makes my soul feel icky!
Done and dusted
morning and I slept blissfully after the very long day yesterday.
I'd mentioned somewhere in these logs about the dozen people who were to occupy this house for Pooja and feast and I was wrong.
There were over 25 people including children and I was a study in motion as I scrambled around serving food, washing dishes continually to accommodate the growing number of crowds and generally being that whirlwind humanoid who seeks to accomplish all tasks without letting any glitch mar the festivities.
It was tiresome and I had a smile plastered on at all times, while I sought to cover everything without grumbling.
It wasn't before 6 in the evening that everyone including the kids had left. The close relatives who were my SIL's side of the family lingered much after the Pooja and I was keeping their kids company as they watched horror flicks.
I rolled a j once everyone had left and disappeared behind the house and smoked in peace.
Yesterday was heavy and I hope to not go through this again.
I'd mentioned somewhere in these logs about the dozen people who were to occupy this house for Pooja and feast and I was wrong.
There were over 25 people including children and I was a study in motion as I scrambled around serving food, washing dishes continually to accommodate the growing number of crowds and generally being that whirlwind humanoid who seeks to accomplish all tasks without letting any glitch mar the festivities.
It was tiresome and I had a smile plastered on at all times, while I sought to cover everything without grumbling.
It wasn't before 6 in the evening that everyone including the kids had left. The close relatives who were my SIL's side of the family lingered much after the Pooja and I was keeping their kids company as they watched horror flicks.
I rolled a j once everyone had left and disappeared behind the house and smoked in peace.
Yesterday was heavy and I hope to not go through this again.
Thursday, 23 June 2022
Rampage
Right!
So I woke up an hour later than expected since switching off the morning alarm was for me a thing of the moment, but still I'm unusually early.
Showered before the clock hit 6 and bathed in sweat while preparing huge vats of meals with SIL.
I am not happy!
So I woke up an hour later than expected since switching off the morning alarm was for me a thing of the moment, but still I'm unusually early.
Showered before the clock hit 6 and bathed in sweat while preparing huge vats of meals with SIL.
I am not happy!
There’s nothing that I like about this
I have
Just spent the last two hours slaving over a hot stove in a stuffy kitchen with my SIL making 'panjiri' and 'rice kheer' for tomorrow's bleh.
The good thing is that the entire time we kept chatting and making fun of everything about this process and so the time passed; the bad thing is that we are both exhausted from the sweating and the busyness of the day and once I had finished cleaning the kitchen we simply crawled into our bedrooms to call it a night!
Worst news is that tomorrow I have to wake up quite early and continue with this life!!
My legs are tired from the standing and the endless stirring for more than two hours cuz it took that long. There will be about a dozen people tomorrow and therefore what we cooked today was made in almost catering sized pots!
I mean come on!
How did my life come crashing down from the absolute comforts of my home to sudden exasperation?!!
Just spent the last two hours slaving over a hot stove in a stuffy kitchen with my SIL making 'panjiri' and 'rice kheer' for tomorrow's bleh.
The good thing is that the entire time we kept chatting and making fun of everything about this process and so the time passed; the bad thing is that we are both exhausted from the sweating and the busyness of the day and once I had finished cleaning the kitchen we simply crawled into our bedrooms to call it a night!
Worst news is that tomorrow I have to wake up quite early and continue with this life!!
My legs are tired from the standing and the endless stirring for more than two hours cuz it took that long. There will be about a dozen people tomorrow and therefore what we cooked today was made in almost catering sized pots!
I mean come on!
How did my life come crashing down from the absolute comforts of my home to sudden exasperation?!!
Wednesday, 22 June 2022
The absurdity menace
Tomorrow morning I'm Expected to wake up quite early for Pooja shenanigans, something I find my core being to repel categorically.
All that is religious or involves religious rituals and rites I not only abhor but passionately despise. It's an inner revulsion that I do not care to improve upon.
Things are going to start rather early and so I have to be awake earlier to help with the cooking before I finally sit down for the 'Katha' and I think I might need to get high so as to avoid stabbing the pandit in the eye.
Waking early is alright but my usual morning routines that people have termed 'apsara routine' need to be accomplished before I go out into the world and so I am wondering as to how I can figure everything out most efficiently without feeling murderous.
This too shall pass, as they say and so I hope.
All that is religious or involves religious rituals and rites I not only abhor but passionately despise. It's an inner revulsion that I do not care to improve upon.
Things are going to start rather early and so I have to be awake earlier to help with the cooking before I finally sit down for the 'Katha' and I think I might need to get high so as to avoid stabbing the pandit in the eye.
Waking early is alright but my usual morning routines that people have termed 'apsara routine' need to be accomplished before I go out into the world and so I am wondering as to how I can figure everything out most efficiently without feeling murderous.
This too shall pass, as they say and so I hope.
Jamming through holes
And I was officially able to bribe my way out of the red tape system!
Got the signatures, the stamps, the everything and it's not been a cakewalk still.
Hot, sweltering and extremely uncomfortable but I was prepared today and yet unable to deal with it all as I saw sorry faces littered around waiting for some sort of redemption from the bureaucracy. I found myself beginning to slowly melt into the sad population of those people holding sheets upon folders of paperwork, awaiting seals and signatures form officers (HOD) concerned who kept telling them to come another day.
My bag kept gaining weight under the sheets of photostats we kept getting and it looked like the most unmanageable menagerie of paperwork, like a forest of white sheets with black ink we had to wade through in order to reach that light at the end of the tunnel which seemed bleak and distant.
Finally!!
Got the signatures, the stamps, the everything and it's not been a cakewalk still.
Hot, sweltering and extremely uncomfortable but I was prepared today and yet unable to deal with it all as I saw sorry faces littered around waiting for some sort of redemption from the bureaucracy. I found myself beginning to slowly melt into the sad population of those people holding sheets upon folders of paperwork, awaiting seals and signatures form officers (HOD) concerned who kept telling them to come another day.
My bag kept gaining weight under the sheets of photostats we kept getting and it looked like the most unmanageable menagerie of paperwork, like a forest of white sheets with black ink we had to wade through in order to reach that light at the end of the tunnel which seemed bleak and distant.
Finally!!
Updates
Who me?
Eating an apple
Mentally preparing myself to once again step into the abyss that is the government hospital.
Today I get reports and get papers stamped.
Tomorrow is another demon I gotta battle!!
There's Pooja in da house(tomorrow). I have to sit for the 'katha'
I confess I've never sat for any such things in the past since anytime such Pooja's happened in my house they didn't include people who weren't interested.
I'm looking forward to it with the same zeal as I look forward to today's ordeal.
This Pooja was insisted upon by the 'head' of this family who is day by day turning into a more regressive form of patriarch. Insisting and even imposing upon others as to what things should be done etc.
it's beginning to get on everyone's already frayed nerves but everyone is silently trying to get through.
I am trying to ignore everything!!
All I want it for these days to pass asap so I can leave for delhi on Monday.
Also I think I will be in delhi, sans people for about 2 weeks.
Can we meet?
Eating an apple
Mentally preparing myself to once again step into the abyss that is the government hospital.
Today I get reports and get papers stamped.
Tomorrow is another demon I gotta battle!!
There's Pooja in da house(tomorrow). I have to sit for the 'katha'
I confess I've never sat for any such things in the past since anytime such Pooja's happened in my house they didn't include people who weren't interested.
I'm looking forward to it with the same zeal as I look forward to today's ordeal.
This Pooja was insisted upon by the 'head' of this family who is day by day turning into a more regressive form of patriarch. Insisting and even imposing upon others as to what things should be done etc.
it's beginning to get on everyone's already frayed nerves but everyone is silently trying to get through.
I am trying to ignore everything!!
All I want it for these days to pass asap so I can leave for delhi on Monday.
Also I think I will be in delhi, sans people for about 2 weeks.
Can we meet?
Tuesday, 21 June 2022
Movie trauma
So I watched Bhool Bhulaiya last night and I noticed the same thing about Tabu.
I mean she looks gorgeous as it is but I think in her flashback moments they added some filters to her face cuz her chin looks quite triangular and her skin is smoother than a new tub of Vaseline.
Also the movie is so cringe.
Like the comedy will make you weep. And also extremely predictable. But I guess that's what everyone liked about this movie.
I mean she looks gorgeous as it is but I think in her flashback moments they added some filters to her face cuz her chin looks quite triangular and her skin is smoother than a new tub of Vaseline.
Also the movie is so cringe.
Like the comedy will make you weep. And also extremely predictable. But I guess that's what everyone liked about this movie.
All that was and ECG
What drove me to the edge, what actually set me off and made me cringe within myself was the moment of ECG!
To explain a little bit more about today, I was at a government hospital going from pillar to post, jumping red tape hurdles that despite all the preparedness had me running around the damn premises getting photocopies and what not of ridiculous things that weren't even needed nor required, but bureaucracy is such that one can't escape this idiocy, and I have already mentioned the puddle of humid sweat I was in, and there was lunch break in the middle of it all and running room to room to get various tests as required and then there was ECG.
I was unable to grasp the entire situation that was ECG until I came upon a tiny cordoned area, that was basically an enclosure made out of green fabric that had a small bed and various wires and suction cups and was hidden from the eyes of others.
This was where they were doing the ECG and I saw the horrors of it when it was my turn to enter the damn thing.
There was a grossly stained sheet, that looked like it hadn't been washed since the conception of the hospital and I was expected to lie down on it and take off my shirt!!
Are you kidding me!
I looked at the doctor with horror in my eyes and she simply said 'what to do' !!
To bring out my lovely silk scarf from the recesses of my bag was for me a thing of the moment and that is what I laid done on that #%£^% sheet, and then rested myself on it, internally throwing up all the time because who knows where those suctions cups stuck all over my body had been!
Did they even get sanitized ??
I was also feeling sad for my lovely scarf, and how mistreated it must feel to have been laid down on a sheet that looked like it was carefully festooned with all the germs in this universe.
Thinking these thoughts I cried inside while the ordeal lasted a few seconds.
The rest of the tests etc got carried out and of course there is one thing still remaining for which I have to go to the hospital again tomorrow!
I have since returned, showered and cleaned my scarf.
I will be better prepared tomorrow!
Also it was strange to note how sorely we stood out today since people actually came up to us asking us all sorts of questions. In fact in a way I'm glad to stick out so cuz most places we were given special treatment and got our tests etc done before others.
I know I know, but honestly I'd have died if I had to spend any more time in that place.
To explain a little bit more about today, I was at a government hospital going from pillar to post, jumping red tape hurdles that despite all the preparedness had me running around the damn premises getting photocopies and what not of ridiculous things that weren't even needed nor required, but bureaucracy is such that one can't escape this idiocy, and I have already mentioned the puddle of humid sweat I was in, and there was lunch break in the middle of it all and running room to room to get various tests as required and then there was ECG.
I was unable to grasp the entire situation that was ECG until I came upon a tiny cordoned area, that was basically an enclosure made out of green fabric that had a small bed and various wires and suction cups and was hidden from the eyes of others.
This was where they were doing the ECG and I saw the horrors of it when it was my turn to enter the damn thing.
There was a grossly stained sheet, that looked like it hadn't been washed since the conception of the hospital and I was expected to lie down on it and take off my shirt!!
Are you kidding me!
I looked at the doctor with horror in my eyes and she simply said 'what to do' !!
To bring out my lovely silk scarf from the recesses of my bag was for me a thing of the moment and that is what I laid done on that #%£^% sheet, and then rested myself on it, internally throwing up all the time because who knows where those suctions cups stuck all over my body had been!
Did they even get sanitized ??
I was also feeling sad for my lovely scarf, and how mistreated it must feel to have been laid down on a sheet that looked like it was carefully festooned with all the germs in this universe.
Thinking these thoughts I cried inside while the ordeal lasted a few seconds.
The rest of the tests etc got carried out and of course there is one thing still remaining for which I have to go to the hospital again tomorrow!
I have since returned, showered and cleaned my scarf.
I will be better prepared tomorrow!
Also it was strange to note how sorely we stood out today since people actually came up to us asking us all sorts of questions. In fact in a way I'm glad to stick out so cuz most places we were given special treatment and got our tests etc done before others.
I know I know, but honestly I'd have died if I had to spend any more time in that place.
Actuality
That I'm melting into a puddle while getting medical stuff done for my visa and travels would be an understatement.
This is just the kind of weather which makes me faint and get a heat stroke.
The humidity is peaking!!
It rains all day and when the sun is out you almost feel like a banana left too long out in the sun that's beginning to blacken and melt in certain areas.
Gelding the lily is my second vaccination shot that I have just received and I don't like that I'm to factor in that with this weather.
Best I can do is stand in the shade anytime I feel my face is about to melt into my Onitsuka's.
The inevitability of the circumstances that I'm currently in presents itself most harshly in this environment, where the roads, people, poverty, garbage, pollution, animals, drainage, public toilets, vendors, sickness have all melded into one huge area of government hospital surroundings, which is exactly where I have to get my work done.
Since I never visit such places the possibility of their existence stays far from my existence, my tiny material bubble of my own reality which as of now, at this moment I feel is an utter illusion keeps me safe and secure in a world too real for my limited exposure.
This is just the kind of weather which makes me faint and get a heat stroke.
The humidity is peaking!!
It rains all day and when the sun is out you almost feel like a banana left too long out in the sun that's beginning to blacken and melt in certain areas.
Gelding the lily is my second vaccination shot that I have just received and I don't like that I'm to factor in that with this weather.
Best I can do is stand in the shade anytime I feel my face is about to melt into my Onitsuka's.
The inevitability of the circumstances that I'm currently in presents itself most harshly in this environment, where the roads, people, poverty, garbage, pollution, animals, drainage, public toilets, vendors, sickness have all melded into one huge area of government hospital surroundings, which is exactly where I have to get my work done.
Since I never visit such places the possibility of their existence stays far from my existence, my tiny material bubble of my own reality which as of now, at this moment I feel is an utter illusion keeps me safe and secure in a world too real for my limited exposure.
Monday, 20 June 2022
Should I?
The denizens of this house listen to television on a loudspeaker!!
The volume is maxed out and I can hear two separate televisions outside. should I add my own television noise to the mix? And totally spiral out of control and be a part of this uncouth madness??
The volume is maxed out and I can hear two separate televisions outside. should I add my own television noise to the mix? And totally spiral out of control and be a part of this uncouth madness??
And so here we are are
Morning time and the only thing redeeming about this forsaken land and this desolate home is the gorgeous weather this city is experiencing.
It rained all night what with smattering drops of rain and cracking bolts of light that would put Thor to shame and now it's cool and windy and deliciously pleasant.
The only setback to this opportune moment are my surroundings. Everything is bleak as usual and I feel less and less like stepping into the main house to be with everybody.
Right about now I would have been sitting in the garden and playing with tofu, enjoying the breeze and belatedly taking my cuppa upstairs to my balcony and finishing the rest there while listening to music, however right now I am sitting in semi darkness of my room, with a door ajar, to let in the fabulous weather and waiting for today to end so I can get done with tomorrow and days following before my departure to Delhi.
Let's see how I deal with everything here and how much I can let myself stay unbothered.
Here's to staying aloof my love.
Misses.
It rained all night what with smattering drops of rain and cracking bolts of light that would put Thor to shame and now it's cool and windy and deliciously pleasant.
The only setback to this opportune moment are my surroundings. Everything is bleak as usual and I feel less and less like stepping into the main house to be with everybody.
Right about now I would have been sitting in the garden and playing with tofu, enjoying the breeze and belatedly taking my cuppa upstairs to my balcony and finishing the rest there while listening to music, however right now I am sitting in semi darkness of my room, with a door ajar, to let in the fabulous weather and waiting for today to end so I can get done with tomorrow and days following before my departure to Delhi.
Let's see how I deal with everything here and how much I can let myself stay unbothered.
Here's to staying aloof my love.
Misses.
Sunday, 19 June 2022
Letters of annoyance
Who me?
Depressed, so depressed cuz I have to go to JBL today evening and chances are I'll have to stay at least a week before I leave for a Delhi to be with my brother.
I am down in the proverbial dumps and if there is an even lower rung to that, a lower denomination to these dumps then perhaps that's where you'll find me at.
The mere thought of sleeping in that bed, of chopping endless onions in that kitchen, of fending off kids from my room who want to seize power of the AC remotes, of witnessing rodents and roaches move about freely on the floors, of not having that complete comfort and privacy as I possess here makes me want to bawl my eyes out and have a meltdown.
I am most unhappy. And feeling alone in my thoughts.
I love thee.
Depressed, so depressed cuz I have to go to JBL today evening and chances are I'll have to stay at least a week before I leave for a Delhi to be with my brother.
I am down in the proverbial dumps and if there is an even lower rung to that, a lower denomination to these dumps then perhaps that's where you'll find me at.
The mere thought of sleeping in that bed, of chopping endless onions in that kitchen, of fending off kids from my room who want to seize power of the AC remotes, of witnessing rodents and roaches move about freely on the floors, of not having that complete comfort and privacy as I possess here makes me want to bawl my eyes out and have a meltdown.
I am most unhappy. And feeling alone in my thoughts.
I love thee.
Friday, 17 June 2022
The ins and outs
It feels like a horror movie this, the power outage!!
Unbelievable!!
Ugh.
No words to describe and can't say I understand but I sure as fuck know how it must feel to go through this in this weather.
Something like this would have been totally bearable in winters but right now, in the weather up north it must be excruciating.
The weather is a temperate 28°C and windy and rainy.
The birds are out and about, the garden is sonorous with hummingbirds today and had it been a time of less stress I would have been quite joyous.
It's quite good still, my darling tofu is egging me to play with him as I sip my second cup of tea and contemplate lunch.
I have been looking at posters of a magic show happening in a seedy cinema hall and I really want to check it out.
I love magic shows but I've never been to one that is this type. You know what I mean.
Sometimes I feel like I've not really experienced a lot of things that normally perhaps many people have experienced.
Maybe I'll go and take a look see.
Unbelievable!!
Ugh.
No words to describe and can't say I understand but I sure as fuck know how it must feel to go through this in this weather.
Something like this would have been totally bearable in winters but right now, in the weather up north it must be excruciating.
The weather is a temperate 28°C and windy and rainy.
The birds are out and about, the garden is sonorous with hummingbirds today and had it been a time of less stress I would have been quite joyous.
It's quite good still, my darling tofu is egging me to play with him as I sip my second cup of tea and contemplate lunch.
I have been looking at posters of a magic show happening in a seedy cinema hall and I really want to check it out.
I love magic shows but I've never been to one that is this type. You know what I mean.
Sometimes I feel like I've not really experienced a lot of things that normally perhaps many people have experienced.
Maybe I'll go and take a look see.
Thursday, 16 June 2022
Wednesday, 8 June 2022
Tuesday, 7 June 2022
Acid no go
Hyaluronic acid!!
I wish you'd love me back.
In another case of hope trumping experience I tried vainly the delights of a hyaluronic acid heavy moisturiser, filled to the brim with ceramides and heavy hitting emollients and there I was, after applauding how radiant it made me look for three days, I feel the nascent budding of breakouts in places they love to breakout!
Another missed opportunity for hyaluronic acid to give me what I truly need from it. Much like life!
To throw the hyaluronic acid moisturiser out of the window was for me the work of a moment and I am back to applying cold creams, because I am yet to find that perfect day moisturiser which is both light and heavy, which gives me what I want, which loves me with the same devotion as I bestow upon it during the times I am in love.
I wish you'd love me back.
In another case of hope trumping experience I tried vainly the delights of a hyaluronic acid heavy moisturiser, filled to the brim with ceramides and heavy hitting emollients and there I was, after applauding how radiant it made me look for three days, I feel the nascent budding of breakouts in places they love to breakout!
Another missed opportunity for hyaluronic acid to give me what I truly need from it. Much like life!
To throw the hyaluronic acid moisturiser out of the window was for me the work of a moment and I am back to applying cold creams, because I am yet to find that perfect day moisturiser which is both light and heavy, which gives me what I want, which loves me with the same devotion as I bestow upon it during the times I am in love.
Thursday, 2 June 2022
Wednesday, 1 June 2022
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