About today

Sometimes I think I'm just happy to be alive.
this thought drives itself home often and especially after instances when I know I'm slowly shutting down.
It's a most terrifying feeling, to feel so lifeless and be cognizant of the fact that something is terribly wrong with your body, getting progressively worse and all you can hope during that enfeebled state of mind is to live through it just once.
It's silly to think about it now that I'm absolutely alright and watching television breathing normal but this morning just around the 4 AM mark I woke up because someone was sitting on my chest and pressing down my my throat, the hurt was unbearable, I couldn't breathe which woke me up because my throat had swollen up and I was thrashing on the bed.
It was horrible because it was so extremely real, dreadful, horrors..all my fears alive.

It was an allergic reaction.
To what?
I don't know!
And it wasn't immediate but slow.
I know I'd felt a sudden irritation in my throat after last nights dinner and I was awake for a long time last night, writing here, feeling the sensation in my throat.
The sudden birth of small lumps in my throat all the while I stayed awake watching television and it was getting uncomfortable because I felt my pulse racing with an alien lightheadedness that I thought was just perhaps a fever or maybe I was coming down with sore throat and so I decided to sleep it out but a couple hours later my throat had puffed up, obstructing my airways and then it was panic, scare, hospital and doctors, tests, injections and now antibiotics and food is supposed to be hot fluids and soups for the next few days.

What triggered this allergic reaction that built up slow and near suffocated me?
I don't know.
But after dinner and after having eaten a bit of my homemade mango pickle I'd felt a sudden soaring itch at the back of my throat and ignored it thinking it was on account of the sour mango pickle but the inconvenience prevailed throughout dinner which I thought had abated during that time I was eating chocolates but apparently not.
It kept growing for the next few hours and well..I know I won't be eating these pickles or any pickles for that matter cuz goddamn!!
I still have to figure out for myself to avoid any such future scares but dear gods please never let me go through something like this ever again!