Today

Today
Is freezing
I don't feel like cooking dinner
made little progress with my drawing
I find my mind wandering into aisles most dark
People ordered a pizza
I might drink a small glass of wine

In the cold

Morning regal.

Twinkle in the foreground full of morning joys and won't up energy form being home because it's raining outside. 

In the background is a laundry basket full of clothes.

Bleurgh

The weather gods are most unkind this morning 

the irks and a long post.

 Not that I really care but some things bother me and even trigger me for no apparent reason and if I were to explain it, or at least try to, I wouldn't be able to come up with a reason. 

A psychologist might be able to make sense of it or maybe have me actually tell what triggers me about something so unrelated to me.

The occurrence

For the past couple of days, my Instagram feed has been dominated by an acquaintance's reels, videos, photographs, and forwards from other accounts of the 40th- birthday celebration of his wife. Basically, her 40th birthday was celebrated with such gusto that it would put Rishi Sunak's election to 10 downing street a rather tame affair.

It was cringe in ways I am incapable of explaining and the entire outburst of that birthday celebration seemed hellacious overcompensating. 

It was superficial, ostentatious, and pompous in the most rigorous styling of cheesy. 

From the looks of it, the celebrations took place in perhaps a farmhouse or maybe an outdoor lounge area that might have been entirely booked for the occasion. 

The entrance of the venue was carpeted with fairy lights or something along those lines. The floor was literally lit up with lights. The birthday woman's name was like a lit sign at the entrance. Huge fonts studded with bulbs or whatever and it was possibly visible even from hell.

The inside of the venue was an amalgamation of light and confetti crossed together in bizarrely gaudy birthday decor.  There were people, oh so many people! Who has so many friends? I think a lot of them were employees and their families. (The guy owns a PR company)

There was an abundance of gaiety (who the fuck is ever so happy?), and loud Punjabi music courtesy of a DJ whose lack of musical tastes vibed exceptionally with the decor.  There was a nice bar and almost everyone had drinks in their hands and arms up in the air as they whooped, laughed, cheered, and sang happily to the birthday woman, who I must admit looked quite good for 40 dressed in a white Grecian toga-like dress, immersed in her husband's excessively lavish idea of a party grinning, jiving and being the heart and soul of this entire affair.

There were times she was propped on some rotating device while she danced and it spun around over and over while revelers clicked pics, made videos, and smiled so wide it near dislodged their eyes from their sockets. 

Then there was the grand cake cutting of a cake which was multi-tiered and just looking at the light blue icing and pink flowers I knew exactly what it would taste like. 

The 'happy birthday song was sung like an anthem and the birthday gal daintily sliced at it, as her husband looked on. 

He too was dressed all in white. I think it was a Rajah coat with embroideries done around the collars and wore black studs in his ears as he kissed his wife on the cheek while she fed him a small slice.  

I think the usual gutting of the cake and smearing on the face was not happening cuz it would have ruined some expensive stuff all around and maybe 10 points for that.

But other than that it pretty much looked like a montage of cheap substitutes for emotions and happiness, or maybe I am bitter to see anyone happy?

My entire Instagram timeline suffered from this and the husband in question kept adding other people's stories of the event into his and it was an unending loop that even after two days still goes on. 

This entire debacle has bothered me for some strange reason. Even triggered me, and I cannot say why. It all sort of looked like a menagerie of counterfeit feelings. 

Maybe I gave it too much thought. wondering about people who must have returned home in the wee hours of the morning, Struggling to take their makeup off, maybe throwing up on their way, sleeping in the same clothes, run down mascaras, clothes smelling of stale smoke.

I am worried about why this bothered me so much.

Is it because my birthday is on the way which I am going to be celebrating alone (people will be visiting their father).

But I am not one for caring as much about these things. being alone if you're not lonely is most befitting.

But yes, why? why do I feel angry at their obviously very happy and momentous celebration? 

Little things

I can barely lift my arms up to tie my hair.
today was a shoulders and triceps workout and I think I might have nailed it cuz I'm wobbly all over!!

Now for gogi's injections then a cup of coffee and a spot of drawing.

This isn’t to be

Dear diary,
I am a pauper for time.
If I could I would snatch away seconds, pilfering them from those who like to waste their time or even prefer to 'kill it' and add it to my daily timeline. Maybe that might enable me to have some extra moments to myself wherein I can do what I want and maybe even squander a few nano seconds daydreaming!
That I have not had a enough time to as much as catch up on series except when I'm eating would be an understatement because my love, my day starts with a bang and ends in a whoosh!
The moment I Extricate myself from my night dress is the moment I hit the wooden floors running, almost in a tizzy of unending chores which I rather feel I have to beg to let me go for lunch and tea.
So tied am I to the infinite list of things that somehow begin to pin themselves radically, almost rebelliously to my daily task mental pinboard that I have to nearly stifle a sob and drown a shriek.
The few moments I finally get are in fact so constricted that I immediately get down to my drawing board and press play to the audiobook and that keeps me from Drifting into domestic abyss and also this is a dismal picture I paint since it leaves me with little time to journal or update here.
My time management is a ted talk in all that shouldn't be.
I will try to be better! I will!

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