Can this earth open up and swallow me whole?
Also reading a manga called 'vagabond'
—
Missing you
Tuesday, 28 February 2023
Salt tsunami aka tears
Ugh!!!
I cannot with these anaemic white lights!! I just can't.
Gimme golden glow. But somehow I feel in this house they will be wasted and lost.
However the new kitchen renovation had the planner put warm yellow lights under the cabinets which brighten up the kitchen and enable me find a bit of peace while chopping and cooking.
I won't mind being abducted by aliens just about right now!
Right now I say.
Beam me up whoever the fuck is out there.
I cannot with these anaemic white lights!! I just can't.
Gimme golden glow. But somehow I feel in this house they will be wasted and lost.
However the new kitchen renovation had the planner put warm yellow lights under the cabinets which brighten up the kitchen and enable me find a bit of peace while chopping and cooking.
I won't mind being abducted by aliens just about right now!
Right now I say.
Beam me up whoever the fuck is out there.
All the deets
Morning and I woke up with a headache. It feels like some headache switch was turned on last night and it kept blinking all through the night as I slept and every time I woke up for a drink of water the headache slapped me with its presence like a migraine entity.
Like a foolish optimist I kept thinking it will be gone once I wake up but of course I barely slept with a red light blaring at the back of my head and a hammering throb in my senses.
I woke up looking like a boiled egg left to get run over by a truck in the middle of the road.
Made tea and looked around for some banana to eat before a medicine but somehow I couldn't find any.
Made do with a few coconut biscuits.
Had a medicine. Now I'm sipping tea and I know within the hour my headache would be all gone.
I know the trigger for this and I shouldn't have been so callous despite knowing what I was doing wrong.
My aim is to not get a headache for the entire month of March!
Let's see if we can do it.
I am going to steadfastly avoid every trigger I know which sometimes despite knowing I still end up doing.
My day here begins.
it feels a bit like labour camp here.
I mean I'm perfectly happy doing all the chores at home but I do not like to do them here because the entire aura of everything amplifies my horrible mood and everything is triggering.
On a happier note my little ones seem to be doing well and look quite happy as they play all over. I keep checking on them via camera :)
Like a foolish optimist I kept thinking it will be gone once I wake up but of course I barely slept with a red light blaring at the back of my head and a hammering throb in my senses.
I woke up looking like a boiled egg left to get run over by a truck in the middle of the road.
Made tea and looked around for some banana to eat before a medicine but somehow I couldn't find any.
Made do with a few coconut biscuits.
Had a medicine. Now I'm sipping tea and I know within the hour my headache would be all gone.
I know the trigger for this and I shouldn't have been so callous despite knowing what I was doing wrong.
My aim is to not get a headache for the entire month of March!
Let's see if we can do it.
I am going to steadfastly avoid every trigger I know which sometimes despite knowing I still end up doing.
My day here begins.
it feels a bit like labour camp here.
I mean I'm perfectly happy doing all the chores at home but I do not like to do them here because the entire aura of everything amplifies my horrible mood and everything is triggering.
On a happier note my little ones seem to be doing well and look quite happy as they play all over. I keep checking on them via camera :)
Monday, 27 February 2023
Watching and liking
Episode 4 of 'the world of married' and I can see why so many mentioned about it being uncomfortable! It's probably cathartic for some who're thoroughly entwined in this business and especially a lot of spouses mostly women in this case who usually have an eye out for their husbands. And I'm not taking about the overly suspicious types. I'm talking about the regular cautious kinds which are almost most women. And there are some scenes which are a bit nail biting eye widening 'what's gonna happen now' to get you on edge.
It's a pretty yummy series! Or perhaps I'm just in that frame of mind where anything which is distracting is good enough.
It's a pretty yummy series! Or perhaps I'm just in that frame of mind where anything which is distracting is good enough.
Ugh
My head feels heavy, I feel sleepy all day and I don't know what to do here.
I feel like a person in another country who's lost their passport.
What am I doing here?
I feel like a useless bystander who occasionally helps with things.
There's only so much I can do. They're a line beyond which I feel I can't go. I can't offer nor commit the sort of intimate help that might be beneficial, not that anyone expects or evens wants that from me but still.
Ugh!
Haven't spoken to people more than a couple sentences and I usually just pace about in my room when I'm not cooking or cleaning or helping with other stuff.
Or I catch a few glimpses of the series .
Maybe I shouldndrink some coffee!
Feeling sleepy.
I feel like a person in another country who's lost their passport.
What am I doing here?
I feel like a useless bystander who occasionally helps with things.
There's only so much I can do. They're a line beyond which I feel I can't go. I can't offer nor commit the sort of intimate help that might be beneficial, not that anyone expects or evens wants that from me but still.
Ugh!
Haven't spoken to people more than a couple sentences and I usually just pace about in my room when I'm not cooking or cleaning or helping with other stuff.
Or I catch a few glimpses of the series .
Maybe I shouldndrink some coffee!
Feeling sleepy.
Monday and out of my comfort zone
Morning and I just had my tea.
Feels strange to be able to make tea just moments after waking up since my usual morning chores with my babes do not exist here.
Night was spent tossing and turning not least because the ughs had me cramped up but also because I've been sleeping alone here and people are spending the night managing the invalid who groans and coughs and I almost feel like I can hear the rattling of the chains dragged around the house by Yama!
It's an unhappy thought and morose feeling and as much as the entire house is singularly dedicated to managing someone who is breathing just barely, I don't see this lasting long.
It sounds horrific to say that but I'm only writing it here because I feel like I need to offload this mood somewhere because otherwise I pretend like none of this is a big deal, and that this routine of feeding liquids through a tube will go on forever.
I feel utterly pained and this is much too depressing.
I might soon be summoned soon to cook breakfast and other such stuff.
I just wanna disappear somewhere right now because this entire mood is so heavy. How everyone is trudging along is a testament to conditioning and their bravery cuz honestly I'm a total sissy about these things.
Feels strange to be able to make tea just moments after waking up since my usual morning chores with my babes do not exist here.
Night was spent tossing and turning not least because the ughs had me cramped up but also because I've been sleeping alone here and people are spending the night managing the invalid who groans and coughs and I almost feel like I can hear the rattling of the chains dragged around the house by Yama!
It's an unhappy thought and morose feeling and as much as the entire house is singularly dedicated to managing someone who is breathing just barely, I don't see this lasting long.
It sounds horrific to say that but I'm only writing it here because I feel like I need to offload this mood somewhere because otherwise I pretend like none of this is a big deal, and that this routine of feeding liquids through a tube will go on forever.
I feel utterly pained and this is much too depressing.
I might soon be summoned soon to cook breakfast and other such stuff.
I just wanna disappear somewhere right now because this entire mood is so heavy. How everyone is trudging along is a testament to conditioning and their bravery cuz honestly I'm a total sissy about these things.
Sunday, 26 February 2023
A comma, a pause
Finally!!!
After making almost 15 cups of tea, after making conversation and small talks for an hour, after answering inane questions about diet exercise and skincare I'm finally in my room!
Sitting for a few minutes maybe before being summoned again for something else.
I just need some time.
Also, episode 3 of 'world of married'
I'm liking it :)
After making almost 15 cups of tea, after making conversation and small talks for an hour, after answering inane questions about diet exercise and skincare I'm finally in my room!
Sitting for a few minutes maybe before being summoned again for something else.
I just need some time.
Also, episode 3 of 'world of married'
I'm liking it :)
ग़म की फ़ेहरिस्त
Wake up
Grab a brush and wash the toilets
Take shampoo and wash the much ignored filthy pet dog
Take a broom and clean the room
Mop the kitchen
Cook cook cook
Sieve food for tube entrance for invalid
Make juice and sieve sieve sieve
Cook again
Wash dishes
Laundry
Cook
laundry
Sieve
Clean
Wash
Done!
I don't like it here.
I want to go home
I need a joint
I want to get high
I have my happy drugs
I have my anti anxiety
I am gonna get high
But first!! Instant coffee! Bleugh
Grab a brush and wash the toilets
Take shampoo and wash the much ignored filthy pet dog
Take a broom and clean the room
Mop the kitchen
Cook cook cook
Sieve food for tube entrance for invalid
Make juice and sieve sieve sieve
Cook again
Wash dishes
Laundry
Cook
laundry
Sieve
Clean
Wash
Done!
I don't like it here.
I want to go home
I need a joint
I want to get high
I have my happy drugs
I have my anti anxiety
I am gonna get high
But first!! Instant coffee! Bleugh
:(
All is tinged with a murky aura of frustration and hopelessness here.
There is looming death in the room adjacent and the entire house is covered in physical grime from disregard and chaotic living.
There is looming death in the room adjacent and the entire house is covered in physical grime from disregard and chaotic living.
Saturday, 25 February 2023
Heh
I'm watching 'the world of the married', more like squeezing a few minutes in whatever free time I get and I'm kinda enjoying it. Of course I'm only a Couple episodes in but I see why some women find it a difficult watch.
For heavens sake
The ignorance of people in this house is inconceivable.
A feral cat often comes to be fed here and he's usually given their pet dog's dry food (pedigree) which they've run out of so I give him boiled eggs and some milk mixed with water but the MIL insists on chasing the cat away because she's afraid that their pet dog might ingest the leftover food from the cat and some irreversible irreparable damage might happen to him.
Ugh!
A feral cat often comes to be fed here and he's usually given their pet dog's dry food (pedigree) which they've run out of so I give him boiled eggs and some milk mixed with water but the MIL insists on chasing the cat away because she's afraid that their pet dog might ingest the leftover food from the cat and some irreversible irreparable damage might happen to him.
Ugh!
Requirements
I can only eat fruits if I've washed them myself or if they've been washed a particular way which is by soaking them preferably in baking soda for a while so that all the grit settles down and washing them a couple times after.
I can't eat some rawdogged washed under running water fruits!
No! Eww
I can't eat some rawdogged washed under running water fruits!
No! Eww
:( argh :(
Privacy! Where art thou?
The room I've been given is one where the MIL also keeps some stuff and she hesitates not a second before just barges in through a closed door to enter and potter about with almirahs and cupboards to retrieve her things.
It's most annoying my.
One moment I've got my legs up on an ottoman with a cup of tea in my hand and another moment I'm startled with a violent push to the door by a woman looking hella irritated, nonchalantly walking into my room with a strange purpose and spending a few minutes making chaotic noises with cupboards and leaving with some stuff.
I do not like it.
But right now there are too many things that one doesn't like and my problems and issues are obviously not just a low priority but a none priority.
The room I've been given is one where the MIL also keeps some stuff and she hesitates not a second before just barges in through a closed door to enter and potter about with almirahs and cupboards to retrieve her things.
It's most annoying my.
One moment I've got my legs up on an ottoman with a cup of tea in my hand and another moment I'm startled with a violent push to the door by a woman looking hella irritated, nonchalantly walking into my room with a strange purpose and spending a few minutes making chaotic noises with cupboards and leaving with some stuff.
I do not like it.
But right now there are too many things that one doesn't like and my problems and issues are obviously not just a low priority but a none priority.
Friday, 24 February 2023
I want to be anywhere but here
Here in the house.
Things are hard.
I'm making soup which is basically boiled vegetables blended to a purée and further strained as the condition of my FIL now only has him eating things through a tube and he's unconscious through it all.
I've been awake for too long.
My eyes are closing and my coordination isn't all that good but as things go one can't use that as an excuse and stay in a room while someone lays dying in another.
I don't know how to process this since I've never ever in my entire life been in this situation.
I'm not hardened enough.
Things are hard.
I'm making soup which is basically boiled vegetables blended to a purée and further strained as the condition of my FIL now only has him eating things through a tube and he's unconscious through it all.
I've been awake for too long.
My eyes are closing and my coordination isn't all that good but as things go one can't use that as an excuse and stay in a room while someone lays dying in another.
I don't know how to process this since I've never ever in my entire life been in this situation.
I'm not hardened enough.
Updates
The time right now is exactly 2:15. 
I have arrived at the delhi airport and checked in for flight to JBL.
It's still 5 hours from now.
Started traveling yesterday.
Don't know how tired I am. Surely I can't sleep.
Just brushed my teeth, combed my hair, moisturized my face and I feel better.
This will be the third flight.
Shanghai-HK-Delhi- JBl.
I feel strange. Fatigued and totally out of whack. My body clock is confused as am I.
There are people sleeping behind me on these god awful loungers and I can't even imagine sitting on one of those. Nope!
I need a shower.
I need to wash my hair.
Thursday, 23 February 2023
Away and gone
If my Gogi could meld into my heart like 'pochita' from chainsaw man. :(
I'm leaving pieces of me behind.
I can never be complete without my little ones
I'm leaving pieces of me behind.
I can never be complete without my little ones
Wednesday, 22 February 2023
They feel no fear in their little protected safety
Feel so broken hearted leaving my little babes tomorrow. :( 
Now I'm gonna take Gogi to the vet and he'll be looked after there as he needs special care and my heart is breaking every minute to know that I'll be away from my babies.
Tuesday, 21 February 2023
Wait for us
With barely a few hours of sleep after an exhausting yesterday I finished with my chores this morning and got back into bed to give myself another hour of sleep and I am never to be left alone apparently. 
Monday, 20 February 2023
In the world
At the vet because sheru has gastroenteritis because he ate something he shouldn't have cuz he's a dick! 
Nothing major just some injections for a couple days but by the heavens have I been busy!!
In the world
At the vet because sheru has gastroenteritis because he ate something he shouldn't have cuz he's a dick! 
Nothing major just some injections for a couple days but by the heavens have I been busy!!
Saturday, 18 February 2023
Killers are lazy
What gets on my nerves more than the murder is how lazy can a murderer be to hide a body in some random fridge of a random dhaba!
You gotta think these things through! Plan it in advance.
Buy a freezer a couple days ahead maybe before murdering and plonk the body in it before getting married so that it can stay preserved.
After that maybe take your time and bury it under thick layers of cement or melt it in acid or feed it to pigs.
One can't be do idiotically unplanned while murdering someone.
You gotta think these things through! Plan it in advance.
Buy a freezer a couple days ahead maybe before murdering and plonk the body in it before getting married so that it can stay preserved.
After that maybe take your time and bury it under thick layers of cement or melt it in acid or feed it to pigs.
One can't be do idiotically unplanned while murdering someone.
Friday, 17 February 2023
Decisions
Sometime so feel too hot at night and throw away my covers and sometime I'm too cold and still throw away my covers and end up sleeping in a freezing room sans covers and wake up cold and wonder why I don't feel comfortable?
I mean come on!
Tonight I intend to sleep in a furnace and throw away my covers only when I begin to sweat.
I mean come on!
Tonight I intend to sleep in a furnace and throw away my covers only when I begin to sweat.
Countdown
Shopping done and now for a quick coffee and small cake stop!
Sighs.
It's déjà vu! Coming to this place after forever!
The last time I came here was a couple weeks before lockdown when it was swarming with people and things were disappearing at an alarming rate!
There was a near riot to get to the groceries and people were almost snatching the vegetables.
What on earth was that even?
Just a few months past and this place is deserted. No one is going to stores anymore ever since home delivery services resumed and people, I think, are more comfortable now with things getting delivered to them.
This might be a residual lockdown effect, or maybe it's something that makes people feel safer?! I don't know!
What I know is that I enjoyed it thoroughly. Coming back to an old haunt!
Sighs.
It's déjà vu! Coming to this place after forever!
The last time I came here was a couple weeks before lockdown when it was swarming with people and things were disappearing at an alarming rate!
There was a near riot to get to the groceries and people were almost snatching the vegetables.
What on earth was that even?
Just a few months past and this place is deserted. No one is going to stores anymore ever since home delivery services resumed and people, I think, are more comfortable now with things getting delivered to them.
This might be a residual lockdown effect, or maybe it's something that makes people feel safer?! I don't know!
What I know is that I enjoyed it thoroughly. Coming back to an old haunt!
A thousand years once
Back to the superstore I used to once frequent! The one I often went riding on a scooter. 
And what used to be a mile long line for testing and everything that felt so important and almost undeniable now lies wasting.
Came on a scooter today and it felt cold, it felt good!
Thursday, 16 February 2023
So bleh
So not in the mood to cook dinner!
Also fresh out of ideas and there's nothing I feel like eating that I want to cook!
Feels like selecting clothes on a night out.
What to wear?!
Also fresh out of ideas and there's nothing I feel like eating that I want to cook!
Feels like selecting clothes on a night out.
What to wear?!
Something is definitely wrong with me!!
Was checking a few entries from my journal in 2021 to check some stuff regarding my shift to the new house and I come across this. 
Why do I get in this odd headspace and why do I think this way, when even now I have moments of similar crippling despair. I mean it comes and goes but it still exists.
Flaws to drink
After all these years of making coffee there are times when I still make mistakes with the coffee to water ratio.
Todays coffee is what keeps corpses in motion.
turns out I didn't add enough water to the amount of coffee I kept piling in the French press.
This is new medium roast coffee I kept saying and here we are now with the darkest brew to lift my head off!
Right!
Todays coffee is what keeps corpses in motion.
turns out I didn't add enough water to the amount of coffee I kept piling in the French press.
This is new medium roast coffee I kept saying and here we are now with the darkest brew to lift my head off!
Right!
Wednesday, 15 February 2023
Red signal night
Nighttime and I don't feel like falling asleep
I want to stay up and think nothing for a while. Today was a festival of activities and I felt a bit defeated by all the things that piled themselves on and some tasks I couldn't accomplish.
There's a mountain of clothes that needs to get folded.
This afternoon I wanted to drink hot chocolate and I'm now in bed hankering still. anytime I steered towards the kitchen this evening to make the said beverage I ended up doing some other unrelated stuff that popped its head right at that moment and somehow the plans for self-appeasement kept getting postponed to right now.
In bed.
Looking at my babes who've decided they want to play.
I want to stay up and think nothing for a while. Today was a festival of activities and I felt a bit defeated by all the things that piled themselves on and some tasks I couldn't accomplish.
There's a mountain of clothes that needs to get folded.
This afternoon I wanted to drink hot chocolate and I'm now in bed hankering still. anytime I steered towards the kitchen this evening to make the said beverage I ended up doing some other unrelated stuff that popped its head right at that moment and somehow the plans for self-appeasement kept getting postponed to right now.
In bed.
Looking at my babes who've decided they want to play.
Speed of today
Say one thing about today say it's been exhaustingly busy! 
That I've been up since morning and only got some time to myself right now to finally sit in my study for a bit and have a large cup of tea would be most true because have I had a day or what?!
It's been one thing after another that at every turn there's something waiting for me to get done with.
Not a minute went by when my hands weren't wet or busy handling things.
Also I had to click some pictures today and that in itself is one huge task because it involves cooking, clicking, washing.
Oh man!
Just phew!
I'm gonna sit down for a good hour before o get into anything now.
Tuesday, 14 February 2023
Hearts asunder
Valentines and I'm out at an Italian restaurant cuz I mean why not?!
But seriously why?
We aren't the kinds to celebrate valentines.
I was astounded when this morning I was informed of a dinner reservation made.
I'm like what?!! Hmm.
Okay.
But seriously why?
We aren't the kinds to celebrate valentines.
I was astounded when this morning I was informed of a dinner reservation made.
I'm like what?!! Hmm.
Okay.
In the bother
Morning, another Tuesday, another intense cardio session, another day of brooding over lunch and wondering how life got me to where I am and should I actually have been born and gone through this shitfest that is this world and wallow in this pain for a while before getting on life with usual.
Sighs.
Right then.
Where are we?
Ah, yes! We are pacing in the room while sipping some coffee, which I sometimes need after tea to help with my workout and typing and thinking about things that work as a great distraction yoon.
Sighs.
Right then.
Where are we?
Ah, yes! We are pacing in the room while sipping some coffee, which I sometimes need after tea to help with my workout and typing and thinking about things that work as a great distraction yoon.
Monday, 13 February 2023
Rub me right and wrong
That the masseuse kept telling me to loosen up and relax and I kept doing just that but she didn't think I was doing it right sent her spiraling into a verbal tirade about how difficult it's going to be to fix my neck and the knots on my shoulders if I keep up this odd refusal to relax!
I mean what even.
I'm relaxing I'm relaxing is what I kept telling her and he's like Noo, loosen up, come on open your shoulder, just become like you have no bones, become empty, exhale deep, forget yourself.
I'm like I'm empty seriously I'm empty and she's like no you're not doing it. Come on. Stop thinking, stop running in your head. Make it blank, make it white.
I'm like it's white it's blank and she kept rubbing my neck and back while doing some odd technique of shooting milliamperes of tiny current all over my body and massaging me with the intensity of a masseuse scorned by an unrelaxed customer.
You have to learn to relax, she finally told me. You have to learn to let go. She quipped when I tensed up under a pinched nerve.
Great! Got a philosophical lesson during massage. Now I need some anthropology classes during my acupuncture appointment next.
I mean what even.
I'm relaxing I'm relaxing is what I kept telling her and he's like Noo, loosen up, come on open your shoulder, just become like you have no bones, become empty, exhale deep, forget yourself.
I'm like I'm empty seriously I'm empty and she's like no you're not doing it. Come on. Stop thinking, stop running in your head. Make it blank, make it white.
I'm like it's white it's blank and she kept rubbing my neck and back while doing some odd technique of shooting milliamperes of tiny current all over my body and massaging me with the intensity of a masseuse scorned by an unrelaxed customer.
You have to learn to relax, she finally told me. You have to learn to let go. She quipped when I tensed up under a pinched nerve.
Great! Got a philosophical lesson during massage. Now I need some anthropology classes during my acupuncture appointment next.
Quick
I have to go for a massage today and the appointment is for 13:00 which is why not only have I rushed through my workout but also taken the quickest shower known to my washroom and now I shall proceed to eat an even quicker lunch of leftovers!
Sunday, 12 February 2023
3 little birdies
The only reason I put this photo is to draw your attention to the very ugly birds perched on top of the mall and I can't unsee it ever! 
It's probably the most aesthetically challenging decor I have seen.
Teeny swings
Sunday 
And the bed is unmade since someone or the other insists on grooming themselves while lounging on it.
My mood is all over the place and I'm highly irritable for some reason that I picked up an argument a few minutes ago and now sit smoldering sipping on tea in the bedroom.
Thinking of getting myself massage today.
Also the weather is mighty horrible and it rained all night.
I'm done with this ickiness.
Saturday, 11 February 2023
Friday, 10 February 2023
Unfurling Friday
Who me?
At the vet!
Why?
Because sheru has been croaking since morning and not eating anything since last evening. Looks like infection.
And all I wanted to do was some Pilates and yoga today.
At the vet!
Why?
Because sheru has been croaking since morning and not eating anything since last evening. Looks like infection.
And all I wanted to do was some Pilates and yoga today.
Long rant and bad mood
Morning and I am unhappily pacing the room, on my third cup of coffee, annoyed at this world, looking at my entire routine for today crumbling down into pebbles of flaming mess.
It started with me waking up late, which is alright because I need my night of sleep after working like a horse the entire day.
Looking about the house and ho humming to myself I realized people had let out twinkle despite the fact it was and muddy with seething puddles all around after 3 days of continuous rain.
I wanted to remark but let it slide.
Chores done and I was an about to make tea when a strange looking cat stood without.
Upon closer inspection it turned out to be a very filthy looking twinkle, who had obviously given himself a dirt bath.
I opened the door and before I could grab the filthy dirt ball he had darted about my pristine house, squelching his dirt-packed body and paws all over my just cleaned floors and stairs.
It took me a minute to draw a deep breath before darting after the little shit!
Somehow I was able to lure him with a bowl of food, but not before I could see wet mud and remnants of puddle sticking everywhere around the casa.
To grab him by his neck and throw him under hot running shower was for a me the thing of a moment.
I washed the little guy who looked like he'd spent an eternity in coal mine and slowly but surely I could see his real fur peeking.
The entire ordeal was far more daunting and difficult than I make it out to be because he hates water and tried to make a dash for the walls and doors of the bathroom, much to his disappointment and my chagrin.
The entire washroom was muddy, but at least twinkle got cleaned.
Wrapping him in a towel I dried him and placed him near a heater with a treat.
Now I had to re clean a lot of the house and I set about it, after which the washroom had to be cleaned again.
Did I mention I'd still not had my morning tea and if you know me you know how evangelical I am about my tea and not undertaking anything strenuous before.
But this was an exceptional time and I broke down and cried a good five minutes before continuing with this idiotic madness I had before me.
Now it's settled finally.
I'm pacing about the room because the one cuppa hardly made a dent in my mood and I'm angry, so angry.
Angry at the pest of a man I'm married to whose action have consequences that I need facing.
Gah!
It started with me waking up late, which is alright because I need my night of sleep after working like a horse the entire day.
Looking about the house and ho humming to myself I realized people had let out twinkle despite the fact it was and muddy with seething puddles all around after 3 days of continuous rain.
I wanted to remark but let it slide.
Chores done and I was an about to make tea when a strange looking cat stood without.
Upon closer inspection it turned out to be a very filthy looking twinkle, who had obviously given himself a dirt bath.
I opened the door and before I could grab the filthy dirt ball he had darted about my pristine house, squelching his dirt-packed body and paws all over my just cleaned floors and stairs.
It took me a minute to draw a deep breath before darting after the little shit!
Somehow I was able to lure him with a bowl of food, but not before I could see wet mud and remnants of puddle sticking everywhere around the casa.
To grab him by his neck and throw him under hot running shower was for a me the thing of a moment.
I washed the little guy who looked like he'd spent an eternity in coal mine and slowly but surely I could see his real fur peeking.
The entire ordeal was far more daunting and difficult than I make it out to be because he hates water and tried to make a dash for the walls and doors of the bathroom, much to his disappointment and my chagrin.
The entire washroom was muddy, but at least twinkle got cleaned.
Wrapping him in a towel I dried him and placed him near a heater with a treat.
Now I had to re clean a lot of the house and I set about it, after which the washroom had to be cleaned again.
Did I mention I'd still not had my morning tea and if you know me you know how evangelical I am about my tea and not undertaking anything strenuous before.
But this was an exceptional time and I broke down and cried a good five minutes before continuing with this idiotic madness I had before me.
Now it's settled finally.
I'm pacing about the room because the one cuppa hardly made a dent in my mood and I'm angry, so angry.
Angry at the pest of a man I'm married to whose action have consequences that I need facing.
Gah!
Thursday, 9 February 2023
Bunch of Thursday
The house is infested with spouse again.
It's raining
I feel like drinking coffee but not making it
It's only now that I've finally found time to actually sit in my study and get on with some work.
The vpn won't connect
You're not here
Sighs
It's raining
I feel like drinking coffee but not making it
It's only now that I've finally found time to actually sit in my study and get on with some work.
The vpn won't connect
You're not here
Sighs
Monday, 6 February 2023
Few moments
Cold wet and dull, another Monday prepares for its demise as my casa fixes for the evening.
Alive in evening glow of sunny hues, bright and dark in the right places, giving it the warmth of twilight while keeping the darkness of incoming night still intact I sit in a corner of the couch sipping on some honey tea, cozying up to my happy felines.
Alive in evening glow of sunny hues, bright and dark in the right places, giving it the warmth of twilight while keeping the darkness of incoming night still intact I sit in a corner of the couch sipping on some honey tea, cozying up to my happy felines.
Bla bla
Monday and I had the luxury of waking up late because the housekeeper will come tomorrow. It's gonna be Tuesday that'll be fucked up! What's new?
But this post ain't about Tuesday it's about Monday and how the absolute treachery of this weather from being slightly sunny the last few days to utterly rainy has me sad, even the cats are angry.
Today kick starts the week as usual. My chores are done and I'm preparing for a workout.
A lower body strength and some cardio.
Lunch is a bit of a question mark because people are home for now and won't leave until evening for a few days and so the lunch has to catered to others and not just me.
Ugh!
But this post ain't about Tuesday it's about Monday and how the absolute treachery of this weather from being slightly sunny the last few days to utterly rainy has me sad, even the cats are angry.
Today kick starts the week as usual. My chores are done and I'm preparing for a workout.
A lower body strength and some cardio.
Lunch is a bit of a question mark because people are home for now and won't leave until evening for a few days and so the lunch has to catered to others and not just me.
Ugh!
Sunday, 5 February 2023
Movie day
Watched Avatar today and I regret not being high!
I loved every second of it!
To hell with the plot and story. Yay to the orgy of gorgeous colours and unhinged graphics of perfectly awesome!
Every frame a marvel!
I want to watch it again just to absorb everything all over.
I loved every second of it!
To hell with the plot and story. Yay to the orgy of gorgeous colours and unhinged graphics of perfectly awesome!
Every frame a marvel!
I want to watch it again just to absorb everything all over.
Saturday, 4 February 2023
In this moment
The house is unusually cold or mahne it's just me. 
Brandy with warm water to let the fumes infuse my soul with a golden glow
Friday, 3 February 2023
billowing nothings
Friday is it?
dare I drink myself into a stupor? yeah, like that ever or is ever gonna happen? But I will most assuredly drink maybe a small drink or maybe a beer or a glass of wine or just a bottle of ramune, but drink something other than water, tea or coffee I will.
A friend of mine was telling me that she keeps her fridge stocked with coke because she doesn't always like the taste of water and that she needs something other than regular old H2O which came as a surprise because literally, nothing tastes better than water. Nothing quenches one's thirst like water can but in her case, she told me that it was always coke! In fact, oftentimes when I'd only drink water or some sparkling water alongside food she would always look at me in surprise and exclaim you don't need anything to go with your meal? Well, No! Not really. water is fine.
Then there are these zero-calorie water additives that some people use to add to their water to make it taste tastier! I don't understand the meaning of adding a cherry cola-flavoured zero calories artificially sweet flavour to water! But whatever makes one drink more water I guess! I don't know. I think it is rather silly.
Right then, what was I saying? To pizza or not to pizza?
Well I never
Who me?
Sitting inside a hospital while 'People' get acupuncture.
Seriously why did I accompany people instead of getting on with my life for his round of checkup to be a supportive better half is beyond me but turns out the pain people have been complaining about and assuming pneumonia was just a muscle pull!
Hypochondriacs and life with them is never easy.
Sitting inside a hospital while 'People' get acupuncture.
Seriously why did I accompany people instead of getting on with my life for his round of checkup to be a supportive better half is beyond me but turns out the pain people have been complaining about and assuming pneumonia was just a muscle pull!
Hypochondriacs and life with them is never easy.
Thursday, 2 February 2023
Reservations among many
I cannot eat on a square plate or in square bowls or out of square shaped mugs!
It's an utter and absolute no!
Serving on square things is alright but eating out of them is NO! 🙅
It's an utter and absolute no!
Serving on square things is alright but eating out of them is NO! 🙅
A new day
Something new today. Gonna try out new coffee beans today.
Let's see if does what they say on the package
Wednesday, 1 February 2023
Screws and bolts
Awake to talk to my graphic designer who is going to be 'available' at 9 PM his time! cuz what is he if not busy!! Apparently!!
I'm gonna have to fix us a better time!
Also tonight the pent up annoyance came up full swing and I turned into lady Macbeth and I think my hormones needed that release.
I'm gonna have to fix us a better time!
Also tonight the pent up annoyance came up full swing and I turned into lady Macbeth and I think my hormones needed that release.
drops of blase
I have been morosely irritated and unusually angry to the point I broke down into sobs twice since yesterday.
I can't accurately pinpoint what the reason is but there was a trigger point which was 'people' buying and gifting me a perfume yesterday evening they incorrectly assumed I wanted and liked it since they saw me checking out the testers for it the other day.
That perfume, its sweet treacly almost cotton candy fucked flower scent gave me an instant headache which I recoiled from most blatantly in front of people and it was assumed the sweet gesture was not appreciated which honestly it really wasn't. What people don't know was that back at the Guerlain store when I whiffed their new perfume I hated it and kept it back but since I was a bit interested in sampling the new scent they'd come out with I had made it specifically to their store to check it out and I didn't like it, but of course, that part wasn't understood and the only thing that stayed in 'people's' memory was me going to that store specifically to check out that scent.
I hated that smell of sweet sweet ickiness at the store and I hated it when people sprayed it on my neck as a way of surprising me. I wiped it immediately with an alcohol wipe and people were left looking both dumbfounded and annoyed and I was upset as to why this perfume was bought and people retorted that I wanted it!! But I didn't want it I told him and the more I said anything the more confused people got.
Something about this brief episode sent me into a spiral of sheer annoyance and anguish which I somehow cannot describe or understand.
I am upset, madly angry and utterly sad.
Sometimes I feel like what the fuck am I doing with this absolutely clueless man? He knows me not at all. Does he not even know what kind of scent I will like or hate? I feel like I am going to the edge cuz all I ever do is give and give and give and I get nothing, not even a remote bit of understanding or the kind of love I want. It's like I exhaust myself morning to night, trying to do justice to this role I am driven in, trying to live up to this life I have and I feel no happiness.